Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

Enough

Ho Chi Minh City Museum of Fine Arts (27 April 2017)


‘e·nough’

One word that not many of us tell ourselves. I know I haven’t been updating this space much and some of you might think I’ve gotten too busy with my life that I no longer write. That’s not the case. The real reason is that I’ve been having difficulties penning down my cluttered thoughts and I haven’t been getting much sleep to begin with. It doesn’t even help that my body crashed multiple of times which explains the sore throat, pounding fevers etc. So it brings me back to typing this very post right now as I sit here hoping this cup of camomile tea will aid with my sleep tonight.

I have people telling me that my words have inspired them but honestly, I’m not perfect. One of the hardest thing I struggle with is telling myself that I am enough. Not the kind of ‘enough’ that people expect me to be but more so of the kind of ‘enough’ that I know I am. They say that you are your harshest judge and I really am very harsh with myself.

People can tell you that you’re beautiful 100 times a day and if you still don’t believe it, that is the worst. So every day, I do something called “My Little Daily Enoughs” which is something I tell myself at the end of the day. Here are some of my few :

  1. You’ve done enough for today. You did your best in these 24 hours and the next 24 hours are for you to do more
  2. To someone, you’re beautiful enough.
  3. You are enough.

Everyone has their own definitions and versions of ‘being enough’. What I learned is that your flaws are stitched with good intentions. What I also learned is that you should look at the person that loves you the most and try putting yourself in that person’s shoes to see what you look like in their eyes. I do that sometimes with my mum. I do wonder what it is like for her to love such a difficult emotionally wrecked up daughter like me and not a day in my entire life where she complains and dreads about loving me. Bit by bit, I learn to love myself because of how my mother loves me.

If your partner is having a tough time loving himself/herself, do me a favour but love that person more because everyone deserves to end the day knowing that he/she is more than enough. Take it from a person who went to different countries & states just to slowly mend herself with whatever ability and skills she bears. It wasn’t a pretty sight because I was scared to the point where I would cry, waiting in the train to arrive, for I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. Here’s something to remember, if there comes a split second of the day where your insecurities got the better side of you, take a deep breath and feel your heart beating for a bit.

The heart that pumps life to your soul and every part of your living being ; it is doing more than enough for you. I know it’s easier said than done because the brain does have the loudest voice when it comes to things. What is important is that at the end of every day you know that you’re still breathing, that itself is a victory of its own. Small victories which are better than nothing at all. Remember, you really are enough ❤️

 

You Are…The People You Surround Yourself With.

Parliament House, Melbourne. [Spring Street in East Melbourne at the edge of the Melbourne city centre of Victoria, Australia] Photo credits to : James and my iPhone.
Oprah Winfrey once said ‘Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher,’ and this is the truth.

Last year, my lecturer told us to surround ourselves with people will bring positivity to us and that we are too, what we read. I slowly had the courage to cut off ties with some friends whom are now like strangers to me. It’s not that I no longer love them. It’s just that sometimes it is necessary for your own well-being. Of course it hurt a lot to do so but 2015 taught me that it was time to be selfish.

People perceive selfishness as something bad but what if it is must to do so? You can’t tell me that you’re going to keep consuming an unhealthy meal and expect your health to be fine with it. I needed myself to grow and I took a bold move. I cut them off because I honestly didn’t want to surround myself with negativity. I wanted to be with people who will encourage me to be successful and grow. It’s 2016 and you are entitled to choose your friends wisely. It is time to save yourself. You are important too.

There is only so much negativity one can take in a lifetime. So I urge you, whoever you are that is reading this post, you got to do you. It will be alright. What’s unhealthy and not making you grow, you shouldn’t trap yourself that way. If the environment around you is unsafe for your mental, emotional and physical well-being, it’s time to leave. You deserve so much better.

To You, From Me.

It’s been 14 days since I’ve came home and the P.M.S (Post Melbourne Syndrome) is taking its toll on me. What you’re going to tell me is that I’m being a melancholic drama queen and that it was my holiday hence why I can’t compare what I’ve experienced in Melbourne to home. Don’t get me wrong ; I love being home because of the familiarity with things and the convenience of driving around in my car instead of relying on the public transport like I did in Melbourne. Let me get things straight before you and I go into a debate on what a ungrateful brat I am for not appreciating what I have right now.

I have never spent that long of a holiday in a place where I knew completely nothing about and I had to rely on a map and a travel guide that I took from the airport and maneuver my way when I got lost. Your argument to that statement would probably be “But Elizabeth Gilbert spent a year in 3 different countries to find herself and wrote a book about it.” I didn’t have the time to take a year off university to do so, so I milked whatever time I was given for my semester break which was 35 days and I landed just 4 hours before my first class for the new semester started. So yes, ladies and gentlemen, I squeezed in every second I could get out of my break.

I won’t hide behind a lie and say being back in ‘reality’ has been a bliss because it hasn’t rreally but I’m blessed. I mean, I desperately needed that holiday (or escape, you can put it that way). Take my skin, for instance, and the outbreaks its been having compared to me being in Melbourne.  However, despite me missing Melbourne terribly and wanting to go back (even if it means for me to shiver in the cold and complain about the heat), it’ll always be an experience that I’ll never forget. A while ago and I flipped through my wood-printed faux leather 2016 planer, this year is really going to be my year.

Nonetheless, Melbourne did heal me in ways I can’t explain. Dear reader, if you’re reading this post and feeling like you’re beyond repair, I am a walking proof that things will fit perfect into place and eventually, your soul will mend. I’m honestly not telling you that it’s easy because I am still having a difficult time handling things myself and I have yet to conquer the art of improvising to whatever life is going to throw at my way. You’re going to tell me that I was one of the lucky ones who was given a chance to go somewhere to ‘find myself’ and I won’t argue with you on that. I am lucky and I’m so thankful and grateful to be given that opportunity. I came home to type this post to tell you, wherever you may be right now and whatever you’re going through ; I’m here to tell you that Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture ( though only reading a few chapters and I’ve yet to finish reading) taught me that :

This is what it is. We can’t change it. We just have to decide how we’ll respond. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just  how we play the hand.”

You got you ; you got this – I urge you to tell yourself that.