Enough

Ho Chi Minh City Museum of Fine Arts (27 April 2017)


‘e·nough’

One word that not many of us tell ourselves. I know I haven’t been updating this space much and some of you might think I’ve gotten too busy with my life that I no longer write. That’s not the case. The real reason is that I’ve been having difficulties penning down my cluttered thoughts and I haven’t been getting much sleep to begin with. It doesn’t even help that my body crashed multiple of times which explains the sore throat, pounding fevers etc. So it brings me back to typing this very post right now as I sit here hoping this cup of camomile tea will aid with my sleep tonight.

I have people telling me that my words have inspired them but honestly, I’m not perfect. One of the hardest thing I struggle with is telling myself that I am enough. Not the kind of ‘enough’ that people expect me to be but more so of the kind of ‘enough’ that I know I am. They say that you are your harshest judge and I really am very harsh with myself.

People can tell you that you’re beautiful 100 times a day and if you still don’t believe it, that is the worst. So every day, I do something called “My Little Daily Enoughs” which is something I tell myself at the end of the day. Here are some of my few :

  1. You’ve done enough for today. You did your best in these 24 hours and the next 24 hours are for you to do more
  2. To someone, you’re beautiful enough.
  3. You are enough.

Everyone has their own definitions and versions of ‘being enough’. What I learned is that your flaws are stitched with good intentions. What I also learned is that you should look at the person that loves you the most and try putting yourself in that person’s shoes to see what you look like in their eyes. I do that sometimes with my mum. I do wonder what it is like for her to love such a difficult emotionally wrecked up daughter like me and not a day in my entire life where she complains and dreads about loving me. Bit by bit, I learn to love myself because of how my mother loves me.

If your partner is having a tough time loving himself/herself, do me a favour but love that person more because everyone deserves to end the day knowing that he/she is more than enough. Take it from a person who went to different countries & states just to slowly mend herself with whatever ability and skills she bears. It wasn’t a pretty sight because I was scared to the point where I would cry, waiting in the train to arrive, for I couldn’t hold myself together any longer. Here’s something to remember, if there comes a split second of the day where your insecurities got the better side of you, take a deep breath and feel your heart beating for a bit.

The heart that pumps life to your soul and every part of your living being ; it is doing more than enough for you. I know it’s easier said than done because the brain does have the loudest voice when it comes to things. What is important is that at the end of every day you know that you’re still breathing, that itself is a victory of its own. Small victories which are better than nothing at all. Remember, you really are enough ❤️

 

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Losing Composure

There comes a day where you’ll lose composure and that will be the day you’ll not know what to do. And, that is fine.

I once destroyed myself. I remembered the night where I stood in front of the mirror and I really couldn’t recognize myself anymore. That horrible night that I was so afraid of falling asleep. It was that night my breaths were like as if I was gasping for air. I began wondering what’s wrong with me. The following week after that night…God…it was just…hell, y’know? I remembered how hard it was telling myself not to break down in public. I remember running to my car and breaking down after that. It was as if my heart was so empty. The mechanism within me was severely broken. People underestimate pain and they take it so lightly. They tell you to move on and just forget about it like it’s something easy to do when it’s not.

But let me share something with you.

It’s okay to cry, to break down. It’s okay to feel insecure and to feel inadequate. There are days where I feel so incompetent and my insecurities takes control of me. It only makes you human. Having to feel your own heart breaking has got to be one of the most painful feeling you ever have to feel. Of course you can’t compare it to others. It’s not a competition on who lets it go and move on first. It’s not a competition to see who is hurt more. Never compare pain. People tend to wonder how I do it ; how I pull through. Honestly, there have been days where I lose all composure.

And you know what counts? The fact that after it all, you wipe your tears and you tell yourself “It’s okay”. That to me is bravery. Losing composure doesn’t mean it’s always bad. It just makes you take a step back and just take things slower. It’s hard because there’ll always be trigger points and it’ll be so exhausting. Losing composure is a scary thing because in within a split moment, you just lost it all and you’re on the floor crying.

It makes you real. Pick yourself up ; and breathe. Feel that heart of yours beating. Somehow, you will be okay.

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

To Pick Yourself Back Up

You’ve probably read books to tell you to look on the positive side and soul mending etc. Well, reading it and actually doing it is completely different. Truthfully, no one actually told you that picking yourself back up is going to be your most terrifying and tiring thing you’ve ever had to do in your life. Instead, they tell you it’s going to be okay. There are people who go to a psychiatrist and therapy sessions for help. Then there are the people who have to do it all by themselves. Dust off the gravel from your knees, polish your worn out armour, sew your wounds back and hoist your fragile soul back up.

I’m writing not to crush your hopes but to tell you to hang in there ; whoever you are, dear reader. Coming from a person whose life is from perfect and still in the midst of picking herself up, I know. If you need to seek for professional help, do it. Your friends are going to look at you like you’ve gotten the plague because you’re going for therapy. They don’t really understand what it is like. What’s the struggle that you’re having within your skin, bones, organs, mind and soul. I’m no expert into picking myself up because honestly, there are days where you just don’t want to go on anymore.

All I’m just saying that you have to have a little faith in yourself. You have to. Not for anyone else but for that fighter that lives in you. If your defense mechanism isn’t working anymore, let it be for a little while. It will find its way into patching itself back together. Though I must admit, it’s not the most perfect way of patching your broken self but it is better than nothing. Every one of us needs someone to remind us that we’re loved. Your argument to my statement would be “What if I can’t?”

Then it doesn’t matter. Allow me to make a little room in my heart to place you there. My heart is a beyond broken but please do bare with the renovations that it’s doing and I plead for you not to disturb the fixing. One thing I’ve learned from my heart is that a heart is more than just an organ that gives the body life. It was made to love and to mend whatever that is broken in you. Of course it will take it’s time to get to the destination but like my mom always told me, “Patience is the key.”

I don’t know how all hearts work because some have different ways of mending and healing. Picking yourself up is a process where your heart works side by side with your mind to tell you that it is time to stand back up. And man…it is one hell of a struggle. This year, I fell into a deeper hell hole and I watched my friends figuring out ways to help me out of it. Even if it meant for them to bring a crane to help, they’ll still do it.

All I’m saying, you’re never truly alone. You have your little heart, two butterfly-wing shaped lungs, and a mind that is so beautifully smart. If you don’t have anyone to be there for you, you have me. I must admit that I don’t know much but all I know that I won’t give up on you. I know it’s not much because how could someone as broken as I am gives so much? Well, if I can’t give you love, I’ll offer you chocolates and homemade chia seed pudding to help.

So stop pretending. It’s okay if crying makes you look weak. Your are human after all. You got this. If you don’t think you do, at least I know your heart knows that you got it. Inhale confidence and exhale doubt.