Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

Here’s to all the hours I’ve spent in orchestras, theatres, art galleries, museums, parks, reading tons of literature and creating art. I shamelessly admit to all the money I’ve spent buying books, entrance fees, and spending doing art ; be it writing or drawing. There’s a certain kind of comfort and quietness that art gives someone. It is like how Leonardo da Vinci once said “Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen“. There is a kind of beauty that the art carries with it ; be it a dance, a painting, a picture, a sculpture or a book. It’s as if the artist left a part of his/her soul for you to learn from or to know about. So here’s to the art galleries that comforted little parts of me that I didn’t know how to comfort. Here’s to the orchestras and theatres where it was brought the kind of safety and calmness a wounded soul needs. Here’s to the books and museums that were (still are) my greatest teachers of life and love. My old high school literature teacher was right about art. It reminds you on what it’s like to be human again.

“A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.” 
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Losing Composure

There comes a day where you’ll lose composure and that will be the day you’ll not know what to do. And, that is fine.

I once destroyed myself. I remembered the night where I stood in front of the mirror and I really couldn’t recognize myself anymore. That horrible night that I was so afraid of falling asleep. It was that night my breaths were like as if I was gasping for air. I began wondering what’s wrong with me. The following week after that night…God…it was just…hell, y’know? I remembered how hard it was telling myself not to break down in public. I remember running to my car and breaking down after that. It was as if my heart was so empty. The mechanism within me was severely broken. People underestimate pain and they take it so lightly. They tell you to move on and just forget about it like it’s something easy to do when it’s not.

But let me share something with you.

It’s okay to cry, to break down. It’s okay to feel insecure and to feel inadequate. There are days where I feel so incompetent and my insecurities takes control of me. It only makes you human. Having to feel your own heart breaking has got to be one of the most painful feeling you ever have to feel. Of course you can’t compare it to others. It’s not a competition on who lets it go and move on first. It’s not a competition to see who is hurt more. Never compare pain. People tend to wonder how I do it ; how I pull through. Honestly, there have been days where I lose all composure.

And you know what counts? The fact that after it all, you wipe your tears and you tell yourself “It’s okay”. That to me is bravery. Losing composure doesn’t mean it’s always bad. It just makes you take a step back and just take things slower. It’s hard because there’ll always be trigger points and it’ll be so exhausting. Losing composure is a scary thing because in within a split moment, you just lost it all and you’re on the floor crying.

It makes you real. Pick yourself up ; and breathe. Feel that heart of yours beating. Somehow, you will be okay.

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Transpire.

“The polaroid of you and I slipped out my purse. I completely forgotten that it was there. I picked it up and I smiled at it. There was no longer that bitterness in me.

I remember driving pass the spot where you once planted a kiss on my forehead. It was the night where you were so afraid to love me but you knew still said it anyways because all you wanted to do then was to love me. I remember how we sang our favorite song in public even though we both know we’re horrible singers. I remember our fights and the first time you cried in front of me. You told me you’ve never cried in front of anyone before but you did when you realized you were about to lose me. I remember holding you in my arms while you cried and begged me to stay. I stayed with you and I loved you more than I’ve loved any other person in my life. I remember giving you my heart. I still remember that night when you told me over the phone where you no longer wanted me. I tried to beg for you to stay but you said no.

I destroyed myself in loving you ; by giving all of my fragile heart to you. I fell apart. I remember the night where I stood in front of the mirror and I really couldn’t recognize the broken soul staring back at me. That horrible night that I was so afraid of falling asleep. It was that night my breaths were like as if I was gasping for air. I began wondering what’s wrong with me that I keep getting my heart broken. I remember how hard it was telling myself not to break down in public. I remember running to my car and losing all composure. It was as if my heart was so empty. The multiple of times I broke down. All the mornings I woke up missing you terribly that it literally ached. All the times where I muster the courage to hope you find someone else that would love you as much as I did ; someone that would calm the anger and hatred in you. Someone whose arms you’ll make your home in.

Then, I remember…I remember that morning I woke up where the pain no long stung anymore. I no longer miss you. I saw you on a Wednesday where you were out with someone new. I wasn’t bitter but instead, I smiled looking from afar knowing that the other person will love you. I lost you and it taught me what it was like to love.  I made peace with the pain. I forgave myself and I began loving myself more. I learned, even though it was a hellish struggle. I loved and I learned. Now, the thought of you no longer lingers in my mind. I no longer need you. I hoisted myself back up and stood on my own two shaky legs. I now no longer have the fear for love. I found myself. It took time and it really felt forever but I made it. I actually made it. out alive and this time, I’ve become a better me. Thank you for showing me that I am able to love myself without you.

So goodbye. Goodbye to all you.

– Here’s  to loving again.”

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

The Tincture of Ameliorating.

This message was sent by another university classmate of mine last Tuesday. We’re just acquaintances so you could imagine how touched I was when I read this message she sent me through Instagram. Our conversation then proceeded to where I found out that her heart is currently in pain. Within the next few seconds, I said a silent prayer with a hope that at least she’ll fell less hurt.  Sofia, I’m glad my words cheered you up 🙂

They say pain changes you but they never say how it changes you. When I fell apart, my legs gave way as I collapsed on the floor breaking down. One time, I cried so hard that all my mother could do was just rub my back as she held me with all the might while I stained her shirt with my tears. You know what’s the most terrifying thing ever? Being scared of yourself. To me, there’s nothing scarier than to be afraid of yourself when you look at your own reflection asking yourself what happened to you. To hit that far below rock bottom was beyond hell. My heart ran out of love and my soul was torn apart in ways I didn’t know how to mend it back. The hurt my heart was going through was so painful that I could physically feel the pain.

I loaded my car and I went for a solo getaway. On that Saturday morning of the getaway, I sat on a long board (the one for surfing, not for skateboarding) and I watched the sunrise as I was floating in sea with my legs knee-deep in the cold sea water. I closed my eyes and I started telling myself quietly :

‘You will learn to love again. You are capable of love.’

It was then I realized that it will actually be alright. Yes, not now but in time, it will. Truthfully, I wish I had a manual that would tell me how to mend a broken soul because it’ll be so much easier. The only thing I know is that there’s a certain type of beauty in our souls and within our hearts. With given time, whatever that once caused the pain will no longer hurt. All you just have to do are 3 things :

  1. Don’t rush things. Let the heart and soul do heal by their own.
  2. Don’t suppress the feeling because numbing the pain will only make it worse afterwards.
  3. Believe in yourself.

I began trusting myself a little bit more after everything. As I laid on that long board and floating at sea, I placed my hands on my chest and felt my heart beating. The beating that told me I would make it out alive through this pain. I’m not going to lie and hide the fact that there are days where I lose my composure and cry. But you know what’s the most courageous thing? It’s when on those dark days, you still accept yourself for who you are. People look at me and they wonder how do I do it. Well, love is the key. I still continued to give love. I became more kind and gentle especially with myself.

Cry, if you must ; and smile when you’re happy. You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel and no one should ever make you feel that whatever you’re feeling is wrong.  3.5 years of teaching kids how to swim have taught me the essence of forgiveness and the joy of being kind. We grew up in a society where people think love is cruel but hey, that heart that you walk around with? It not only pumps life to your entire body but it feeds your soul with love. It heals your physical and emotional wounds. It’s not evil and it’s definitely not cruel. Sure, your previous relationship didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of loving again.

You got to do you. You want to hike up the Himalayas? Do it. You want to just stay in bed and read for the entire day? Do it. Do things that you love and bring bliss to your heart and soul. Yes you’re scarred but I truly believe that everything you go through in life is stitched together with really good intentions. Let yourself heal and then when you’re ready, you’ll love again. Above all else, believe in yourself. You really have to. Do it for you. Trust that heart of yours for eventually it will mend and your soul will be okay again. 

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

The fervour love.

My university classmate messaged me last week and told me something that I never expected :

capture capture2

I wasn’t close to her and we’re just mere friends. She texted me asking where I got my scuba diving license from and when I realized that she wanted to be like me…I was touched. I wanted to ask her “Why me though?” then I realized that I was the one that she could relate to seeing that I no longer have a boyfriend and I go on all these adventures. She wanted to be as happy as I am. Steph, if you’re reading this, I have my moments where I would break down and cry but it was the thought of ‘Hey Winnie, you got this!’ that keeps me going. I’m glad you spoke to me and thank you for allowing me to strengthen the courage in you to do what you want to do. Go be happy, Steph! You deserve it! ♥

2015 was a rough year and part of 2016 was hell for me too. Friends and family saw me fell apart this year where I no longer knew how to mend myself anymore. The only thing I knew what to do was to pack my little back pack into the car and escape for a little while. 35 days in Melbourne in December 2015 to January 2016 taught me one important thing :

Love yourself.

This year when I fell apart and hit more than just rock bottom, I went away for a little while alone. Falling apart was the most horrifying thing that has ever happened to me even though I am only 22 years old. I was too busy loving everyone else around me that I forgotten what it’s like to love myself. Truthfully, I gave all the love I have within me and there wasn’t anything left for me. So out of fear and desperation (mostly desperation), I traveled alone.

People don’t see the tranquility into traveling alone and this was what I learned when I was on the beach in Melbourne last year. Traveling alone doesn’t make you a loner. In fact, you get to love yourself even more because this time…you actually have the time to do so. Slowly, I picked myself back up and I did what I love without the fear of wondering what others taught of me.

Diving, doing back flip somersaults off the boat, blasting music in the car and singing horribly, surfing, skateboarding, running, swimming, painting, drawing, writing, driving aimlessly, reading, jumping on hotel beds, burying myself in fluffy white hotel pillows, praying when I feel alone….the list goes on. These are the little things I did ; I began loving myself. I even wrote on the bathroom mirror of a hotel with the 3 most powerful words : “You are enough.”

3 words, in my pink L’Oreal lipstick ; were all that I needed on that Saturday morning when I felt insecure with myself. I kept myself busy with work and doing what I love. I cut out negative people in my life and only kept the precious ones. Then, I was told this by a friend :

Win, it’s your time now. It’s time to do you, baby girl. Don’t worry about me or your other friends. I’m sure we’re all doing fine. You’ve been there for us all these years and time. So it’s time for us to be there for you. Go do you, baby girl. Go be happy. Keep slaying in life. If you do find yourself crying, you have us. You have your family too. I really do believe that some day, when a man loves you, he’ll be the luckiest person alive. For now, don’t stop being you. Someone will love you for who you are. Thank you for showing me that I no longer have to be afraid of being myself.

And I honestly did what I love and what makes me happy. I became even more grateful with how life has been treating me. I enjoy my job too! I told my parents how blessed I’ve been. If I have one thing to tell you, dear reader, is that sometimes we’re so fixated on the bad things in life, we forget about the little happy things. Treat people like how you want to be treated. Be kind to people and be gentle with yourself. Give love and learn to forgive the ones who have done you wrong. Believe me when I say this as I’ve hit the solid ground of hell’s rock bottom where I gave up on myself. I urge you to do what makes you feel sane and calm again, even if it means getting a cup of hot chocolate or showering. Do it. Loving yourself isn’t horrible ; for you, are beautifully flawed stitched together with good intentions. Loving yourself isn’t selfish. In fact, it’s bravest thing you could ever do.

So, love yourself in ways only you know how because at the end of the day, you’ve only got you. If you’re ever in doubt, just look at me. I’m your living proof that you don’t have to fear about being yourself and that you can love yourself.

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Things To Tell Self :

” (Just know that right now I’m wearing sweatpants and an old purple bikini top with a chilled bottle of Riesling alongside a half filled wine glass sit next to me on the wooden table. It’s 2 am and I’m writing this in a hotel room by the beach with my favorite song playing out loud because I desperately needed to escape.)

A broken heart changes you. The nights that you fall apart and all those mornings you spent gluing back the pieces, praying that it will last. I don’t know how people do it but I don’t have much when it comes to it. All I have is just things I’ve learned from enduring pain. The hurt that comes the pain of a broken heart is soul-engulfing ; almost like a massive black hole sucking every ounce of you. As I sit here on this king size bed with fluffy white pillows, I came to a realization that this is what it means to have a heart. To feel to love and to have it broken.

Love is supposed to make you feel scared yet it’s a comforting feeling. Love is flawed and it’s difficult. Love only when you’re ready not because everyone’s in a relationship and you’re not. Do it because you want to, not cause you need to. Love isn’t a job and it’s not a burden. It brings joy yet it brings energy. No doubt it’s going to eat you up but enduring pain is about the journey in building yourself. Settle for someone who you can have deep conversations with ; The kind where it’s soul satisfying. Settle for someone who reads. If a man feels inferior just because you’re building your empire, just know that you’re much better off without him. Take your time because it’s not a competition. Above all, love yourself. You are capable of loving again. Maybe the next one isn’t going to turn out how you planned it to be and that’s okay. No relationship is perfect. You’re not entitled to demand for perfection when you’re so flawed. Embrace your scars and the pain will eventually go.

There will be days where you’re going to miss getting forehead kisses or having a warm hand to hold yours. There will be days where you’ll see couples around you and there’s a spike of bitterness within you. There will be nights where you’ll ask yourself what is wrong with you that no man wants to love you. Don’t let these moments be the reason why you should be in a relationship. This is not how love works. You don’t love a man because he gives you forehead kisses. You love him for the soul that lives within him. You love him because despite all the flaws he has, you chose to love him. I wouldn’t trade all these pain and hurt for something else because I am who I am today for all these scars I have. I learned from all of them. Everything they left behind, they taught me ; they’re stitched together with good intentions.

I could go on but my eyelids are heavy as sleep calls. Exhaustion has settled in. So…Breathe, baby girl. Feel that heart of yours that is beating. Love that soul of yours that lives within you. Be you and love you.”

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.