Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

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Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Publish (1)

Caulfield Park, Victoria. (Summer  of 2015)

|| I watched the psychiatrist trying to stop her from bleeding out. I watched her call for the nurses for help. I watched them taking the phone and calling. Her hands were over the body. I watched the body lying on the oak floor. She yelled at the nurses to hurry up. I watched the blood staining the oak floor. Moments before, she was falling through the doors of the clinic.

I watched the blood. The blood exiting a wound ; the cut of a broken heart. I watched the doctor applying pressure to the wound using the gauze. The suture kit laid wide open next to the doctor. I wondered what happened that made the girl take her life. I looked at her face. Her eyes were so tired. Her skin was sinking deep into her body ; obvious signs of loss of appetite for the past couple of days. She must be scared ; the girl.

She clenched the doctor’s lab coat sleeve with all her might. “I was just trying to make the pain stop,” she said softly to the doctor. “I think…it’s working. It hurts less now inside…” she continued. The doctor examined the deep cut. The girl must had it rough. I watched her break down into the doctor’s arms. The doctor held her as she rubbed her back.

I looked at the girl’s canvas bag. There was a bouquet of peonies and ranunculuses that she bought for herself with a birthday card saying ‘Happy Birthday to me’, signing the card with today’s date. 21 August, the card said. It was her birthday. Where were all her friends and family? I stopped myself from wondering if she had a boyfriend. Of course no guy would be crazy enough to stick by her side. I mean, who would love such a broken soul who has fallen so deep into the black hole of no return. That’s why she seek for professional help. Not exactly the place to go to but I applaud her for her bravery. To admit that she need help, to allow her fragile self be taken care by a doctor.

The doctor looked at the nurse and mouthed, “No pills. No medication. I know she got this.” She held the girl’s frail body. I wanted to go over to wish her but the thought of her trying to take her life on her own birthday made me stand still. She must have given so much to people around her that now, she no longer has love within her for herself. Her friends and family must have not known how much she’s going through. They did say that everyone’s going through their own war. Maybe this was her last straw. During the day, she must have been a pretty good actor to mask all of pain.

I watched her broke down and blaming herself. I watched the doctor hold her. I watched the tears soaking through the lab coat. Maybe people around her didn’t know how to handle her. Or maybe they didn’t know. Or maybe they did know but it was too late to save her. I watched her knowing that she’s probably having the toughest war of her life and that she didn’t know what to do anymore. Maybe it would be alright in the morning.

I watched me lay on that blood stained oak floor ; falling apart. ||

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise. 

Keeping Sanity.

For the past 4 months, I’ve been flying on planes so much that sometimes I find myself reciting the safety video that comes on the screen in front of me. I know it’s funny but I find a sense of joy when I travel ; near or far. I’ve been reading a lot too which is a good considering the packed schedule of balancing my schedule.

I don’t know about other people but to me, traveling does mend the soul. It keeps you sane and it makes you stop and allow yourself to take a breather from the hectic life. I’m talking about you filling the bath tub with bubbles and warm water and you just soak yourself while you read a good book. Or sitting on the balcony of your hotel room and just listen to the waves gently crashing on the shore while having buttered croissants. I honestly do think it’s important to do the things that keeps you sane. Some people paint, and some build sandcastles to keep them sane.

As I stood on the balcony of my hotel room, leaning against the railing and watching the sky turn into different shades of orange, everything in me felt calm and alright. About two weeks ago, I found myself losing composure and had a minor break down in my bathroom. 5 minutes of sobbing into my towel, I told myself that I got this and I wiped off my tears and bravely faced the rest of the day. Standing there, at that balcony, I reflected on all those times where they were emotional and mental battle fields and I come to a realisation that I actually made it this far.

So dear reader, wherever you are, I am a living proof that everything will be alright. You can love yourself. And you got this. Trust me when I say that your body has its down healing mechanism that works along with time. Together, time and your healing mechanism will mend things. Your broken heart, will no longer hurt anymore. Don’t worry you’re not alone for mine is still in the mending process as some cuts within are deeper than the others. But I’m a firm believer that eventually, the cuts will no longer be painful.

So here’s a time-lapse video of the sky turning into different shades  of orange to make your day in some way.

Fix A Broken Heart

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“It hurts, Win. I feel like my heart can’t take it. I can physically feel the pain,” I remembered watching her slowly cry. I held her hand and I lifted her chin gently. I wiped her tears with my fingers and I looked into her dark brown eyes. I could somehow feel her heart falling apart.

My grip on her fingers became tighter. “Look at me,” I told her.

Through her teary eyes, “I’m never enough for him,” her voice said shakily.

My face turned into a serious look. “Hey, don’t you ever, ever say that,” I said.

“How can you say that? You’re hurting too after what the other guy did to you. He treated you as a rebound. He opened up old wounds and it hurt you because your ex did the exact same thing. So how can you say that it’s okay when it hurts?” she said as tears stream down her cheeks faster.

“I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to hurt. It only makes you more human to be in pain. Yes I’m in no position to tell you how to heal your heart but all I can tell you that over time it will heal by itself. You know why it’s hard for you and I? Because we felt it. Both guys held our hands, kissed us and gave us hugs. I broke down so much last week. To the point where I collapsed on the floor and just cry. But look at me now. Yes I’m not perfectly fine but at least I’m not crying that much now.”

“How…how do you just…make it stop. Make…the pain….stop” she stuttered asking me.

“It’s not going to be easy because there’s going to be days where you still wake up in hopes that he’ll text you ‘Good morning, beautiful’ or messages saying that he misses you. There will also be days where you feel like you can’t go on anymore. And there will also be days where you just wish things were different. You’ll check all his social networking profiles and every single love song ever created somehow is about him. You’re going to be bitter at every happy couple out there and you’re going to want to get so drunk just to numb the pain.

But it’s not going to be easy. So take all the time you need to heal. All the damn time you need. You have to do it for yourself. Your friends can only help you that much. Yes, everyone makes it seem so easily to just move on but they don’t feel like how you and I feel. Whether it was an infatuation, a crush or a relationship. Your heart still feels it ; big or small. The heart feels every damn thing. That’s what makes us human. To feel. You held his hands, you felt his presence and in that moment it was real to you and it hurts because the heart felt it.

I don’t know how to fix a broken heart but all I can say you can’t blame yourself because you gave it all and it was your best. What I know is that, you’ll learn how to love again. You’re going to stumble and fall but hey, trail and error right? Sometimes you can’t really avoid the hurt because you’re so caught up with everything and your heart just feels everything all at once,” I said, looking at her.

I reached for my purse and I found my plastic human body anatomy model. I slowly disassemble the body parts and place it in her palms.

“This,” I began telling her. “This my anatomy John Doe. It’s like how Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy had her Anatomy Jane Doll. I had this,” I pointed at the plastic body parts.

“I’ve had it since I was 9 or 10 years old. And I bring it around whenever I feel like crying so I could disassemble and assemble it again,” I explained. I asked her to fix it and she managed to fix it, putting all the pieces into place. Once she was done, she opened her hand to show me the full toy. I closed her fingers and held the plastic body between our hands.

“You see, when you fall apart, only you know how to fix yourself. I didn’t have to tell you how to fix. You somehow knew where everything was and you fixed it. It took time didn’t it?” I asked and she nodded slowly.

“Just like your heart, it takes time to heal. You will somehow know how to stitch back the broken pieces together. Some pieces are more difficult to patch back than the others but I promise you, once you’re done, you’ll be brand new again. It is as if you never fell apart in the first place. No one said it’s going to be easy but I swear on my life that it’ll be better. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week but some day. Forgive because that’s the first step.

Forgive yourself, forgive him and forgive everything. Don’t hold grudges. Remind yourself that you’re beautiful and smart. He won’t be there to tell you those things anymore but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Take deep breaths when you feel like breaking down. Do things to keep yourself busy so you don’t have to think about him. And always, always love yourself. Remember what Cristina Yang from Grey’s said?

It’ll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it will hurt less and less and eventually you’ll remember him and…it will only hurt a little. I’m sure it must feel as though everything is coming apart but you can get through this.’ Remember what she said. It will be better,” I told her. She wiped her tears at the back of her hand and looked at me. I smiled at her. And for a moment right there, it really did hurt a little less.

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And there you were.

Standing in a pair of rolled up sweat pants, an oversize lacrosse pullover and with your iPod in your pocket. You take out your skateboard from your back pack, placed it down and sat on it. You place your elbows on your knees to support your chin your hands were holding. The gloomy weather somehow brought a certain subtle feeling in you.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You don’t have it all but you’re blessed in every possible way imaginable. You may not know how to put on make up but at least you were you. You don’t have manicured nails or flawless hair. You were just there ; Plain Jane. You stretched your legs out and tried to find the sun under the grey clouds. From afar, a thin sun ray penetrated and shone a building.

The pain in  you that once felt unbearable now became bearable ; almost as if it was disappearing. You put two fingers on your wrist, feeling your pulse. The vein below pumping life into other veins. You put your arm over your chest where you heart lies underneath and gently whispered “Hey we did it. The pain hurt a little less now”.

With that, you wrote ‘Fighter’ over your wrist.

Enemies at war we build defences

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“If you asked me to define pain, I can’t really tell you except that it’s something that no one should go through alone.  I was told the other day that an average person dies by suicide is every 13.3 minutes and that suicide takes nearly 40,000 Americans every year. That is actually really sad because you know that the person wnet so much pain that it literally drove them off the edge. I guess everyone goes through their own amount of pain and suffering each day. I’m not one to judge based on pain for I am also hurting. But all I can say that sometimes, you have to be your own hero. You have to get up and fight for you because you’re so worth fighting for. Never ever degrade yourself. You’re a beautiful individual. You don’t need someone to tell you that tomorrow will be a better day. You just need someone to walk up to you and hug you and say ‘Just hang in there a little longer. It will be okay, I promise’. I believe that everyone has their own monsters to defeat and monsters comes in all sizes. I can’t tell you that I know what you’re going through but all I can say that you’re not alone.

Here’s to you and I. We’re the kids who barely survived high school. We made it through the years by watching One Tree Hill because it told us how to survive life. We’re the side kids. The kids that never fit in anywhere they go. We’re the kids who had our hearts broken and we’re still in the midst of fixing it. We’re the kids who actually spend our Friday nights listening to music and not out partying. We’re the kids whose music speaks for us and that we have bands that saved our lives. We’re the kids that are left behind and we’re suffering in silence. We’re the kids that never made it or have it all.

I’m not going to tell you that it will get easier because it’s not. But you get stronger. I can’t promise you that there won’t be days where you won’t break down and cry or days where you’re emotionally exhausted. I can’t promise that there won’t be days where you’re sad for no reason. There’ll be days where you feel like all hope is gone. There’ll be days will just don’t want to go on anymore. There’ll be days where your heart is going to hurt so much that you’ll physically feel the pain its bearing. I can however promise you that you’re not alone ; so don’t give up. Hang in there, soldier.

 

I swear to you that some day it will  be okay and these rough days you’re going through will be gone.”

‘If you need to crash then crash and burn, you’re not alone’ – Savage Garden : Crash And Burn