Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

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The Tincture of Ameliorating.

This message was sent by another university classmate of mine last Tuesday. We’re just acquaintances so you could imagine how touched I was when I read this message she sent me through Instagram. Our conversation then proceeded to where I found out that her heart is currently in pain. Within the next few seconds, I said a silent prayer with a hope that at least she’ll fell less hurt.  Sofia, I’m glad my words cheered you up 🙂

They say pain changes you but they never say how it changes you. When I fell apart, my legs gave way as I collapsed on the floor breaking down. One time, I cried so hard that all my mother could do was just rub my back as she held me with all the might while I stained her shirt with my tears. You know what’s the most terrifying thing ever? Being scared of yourself. To me, there’s nothing scarier than to be afraid of yourself when you look at your own reflection asking yourself what happened to you. To hit that far below rock bottom was beyond hell. My heart ran out of love and my soul was torn apart in ways I didn’t know how to mend it back. The hurt my heart was going through was so painful that I could physically feel the pain.

I loaded my car and I went for a solo getaway. On that Saturday morning of the getaway, I sat on a long board (the one for surfing, not for skateboarding) and I watched the sunrise as I was floating in sea with my legs knee-deep in the cold sea water. I closed my eyes and I started telling myself quietly :

‘You will learn to love again. You are capable of love.’

It was then I realized that it will actually be alright. Yes, not now but in time, it will. Truthfully, I wish I had a manual that would tell me how to mend a broken soul because it’ll be so much easier. The only thing I know is that there’s a certain type of beauty in our souls and within our hearts. With given time, whatever that once caused the pain will no longer hurt. All you just have to do are 3 things :

  1. Don’t rush things. Let the heart and soul do heal by their own.
  2. Don’t suppress the feeling because numbing the pain will only make it worse afterwards.
  3. Believe in yourself.

I began trusting myself a little bit more after everything. As I laid on that long board and floating at sea, I placed my hands on my chest and felt my heart beating. The beating that told me I would make it out alive through this pain. I’m not going to lie and hide the fact that there are days where I lose my composure and cry. But you know what’s the most courageous thing? It’s when on those dark days, you still accept yourself for who you are. People look at me and they wonder how do I do it. Well, love is the key. I still continued to give love. I became more kind and gentle especially with myself.

Cry, if you must ; and smile when you’re happy. You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel and no one should ever make you feel that whatever you’re feeling is wrong.  3.5 years of teaching kids how to swim have taught me the essence of forgiveness and the joy of being kind. We grew up in a society where people think love is cruel but hey, that heart that you walk around with? It not only pumps life to your entire body but it feeds your soul with love. It heals your physical and emotional wounds. It’s not evil and it’s definitely not cruel. Sure, your previous relationship didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of loving again.

You got to do you. You want to hike up the Himalayas? Do it. You want to just stay in bed and read for the entire day? Do it. Do things that you love and bring bliss to your heart and soul. Yes you’re scarred but I truly believe that everything you go through in life is stitched together with really good intentions. Let yourself heal and then when you’re ready, you’ll love again. Above all else, believe in yourself. You really have to. Do it for you. Trust that heart of yours for eventually it will mend and your soul will be okay again. 

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

To Pick Yourself Back Up

You’ve probably read books to tell you to look on the positive side and soul mending etc. Well, reading it and actually doing it is completely different. Truthfully, no one actually told you that picking yourself back up is going to be your most terrifying and tiring thing you’ve ever had to do in your life. Instead, they tell you it’s going to be okay. There are people who go to a psychiatrist and therapy sessions for help. Then there are the people who have to do it all by themselves. Dust off the gravel from your knees, polish your worn out armour, sew your wounds back and hoist your fragile soul back up.

I’m writing not to crush your hopes but to tell you to hang in there ; whoever you are, dear reader. Coming from a person whose life is from perfect and still in the midst of picking herself up, I know. If you need to seek for professional help, do it. Your friends are going to look at you like you’ve gotten the plague because you’re going for therapy. They don’t really understand what it is like. What’s the struggle that you’re having within your skin, bones, organs, mind and soul. I’m no expert into picking myself up because honestly, there are days where you just don’t want to go on anymore.

All I’m just saying that you have to have a little faith in yourself. You have to. Not for anyone else but for that fighter that lives in you. If your defense mechanism isn’t working anymore, let it be for a little while. It will find its way into patching itself back together. Though I must admit, it’s not the most perfect way of patching your broken self but it is better than nothing. Every one of us needs someone to remind us that we’re loved. Your argument to my statement would be “What if I can’t?”

Then it doesn’t matter. Allow me to make a little room in my heart to place you there. My heart is a beyond broken but please do bare with the renovations that it’s doing and I plead for you not to disturb the fixing. One thing I’ve learned from my heart is that a heart is more than just an organ that gives the body life. It was made to love and to mend whatever that is broken in you. Of course it will take it’s time to get to the destination but like my mom always told me, “Patience is the key.”

I don’t know how all hearts work because some have different ways of mending and healing. Picking yourself up is a process where your heart works side by side with your mind to tell you that it is time to stand back up. And man…it is one hell of a struggle. This year, I fell into a deeper hell hole and I watched my friends figuring out ways to help me out of it. Even if it meant for them to bring a crane to help, they’ll still do it.

All I’m saying, you’re never truly alone. You have your little heart, two butterfly-wing shaped lungs, and a mind that is so beautifully smart. If you don’t have anyone to be there for you, you have me. I must admit that I don’t know much but all I know that I won’t give up on you. I know it’s not much because how could someone as broken as I am gives so much? Well, if I can’t give you love, I’ll offer you chocolates and homemade chia seed pudding to help.

So stop pretending. It’s okay if crying makes you look weak. Your are human after all. You got this. If you don’t think you do, at least I know your heart knows that you got it. Inhale confidence and exhale doubt.

Fix A Broken Heart

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“It hurts, Win. I feel like my heart can’t take it. I can physically feel the pain,” I remembered watching her slowly cry. I held her hand and I lifted her chin gently. I wiped her tears with my fingers and I looked into her dark brown eyes. I could somehow feel her heart falling apart.

My grip on her fingers became tighter. “Look at me,” I told her.

Through her teary eyes, “I’m never enough for him,” her voice said shakily.

My face turned into a serious look. “Hey, don’t you ever, ever say that,” I said.

“How can you say that? You’re hurting too after what the other guy did to you. He treated you as a rebound. He opened up old wounds and it hurt you because your ex did the exact same thing. So how can you say that it’s okay when it hurts?” she said as tears stream down her cheeks faster.

“I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to hurt. It only makes you more human to be in pain. Yes I’m in no position to tell you how to heal your heart but all I can tell you that over time it will heal by itself. You know why it’s hard for you and I? Because we felt it. Both guys held our hands, kissed us and gave us hugs. I broke down so much last week. To the point where I collapsed on the floor and just cry. But look at me now. Yes I’m not perfectly fine but at least I’m not crying that much now.”

“How…how do you just…make it stop. Make…the pain….stop” she stuttered asking me.

“It’s not going to be easy because there’s going to be days where you still wake up in hopes that he’ll text you ‘Good morning, beautiful’ or messages saying that he misses you. There will also be days where you feel like you can’t go on anymore. And there will also be days where you just wish things were different. You’ll check all his social networking profiles and every single love song ever created somehow is about him. You’re going to be bitter at every happy couple out there and you’re going to want to get so drunk just to numb the pain.

But it’s not going to be easy. So take all the time you need to heal. All the damn time you need. You have to do it for yourself. Your friends can only help you that much. Yes, everyone makes it seem so easily to just move on but they don’t feel like how you and I feel. Whether it was an infatuation, a crush or a relationship. Your heart still feels it ; big or small. The heart feels every damn thing. That’s what makes us human. To feel. You held his hands, you felt his presence and in that moment it was real to you and it hurts because the heart felt it.

I don’t know how to fix a broken heart but all I can say you can’t blame yourself because you gave it all and it was your best. What I know is that, you’ll learn how to love again. You’re going to stumble and fall but hey, trail and error right? Sometimes you can’t really avoid the hurt because you’re so caught up with everything and your heart just feels everything all at once,” I said, looking at her.

I reached for my purse and I found my plastic human body anatomy model. I slowly disassemble the body parts and place it in her palms.

“This,” I began telling her. “This my anatomy John Doe. It’s like how Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy had her Anatomy Jane Doll. I had this,” I pointed at the plastic body parts.

“I’ve had it since I was 9 or 10 years old. And I bring it around whenever I feel like crying so I could disassemble and assemble it again,” I explained. I asked her to fix it and she managed to fix it, putting all the pieces into place. Once she was done, she opened her hand to show me the full toy. I closed her fingers and held the plastic body between our hands.

“You see, when you fall apart, only you know how to fix yourself. I didn’t have to tell you how to fix. You somehow knew where everything was and you fixed it. It took time didn’t it?” I asked and she nodded slowly.

“Just like your heart, it takes time to heal. You will somehow know how to stitch back the broken pieces together. Some pieces are more difficult to patch back than the others but I promise you, once you’re done, you’ll be brand new again. It is as if you never fell apart in the first place. No one said it’s going to be easy but I swear on my life that it’ll be better. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week but some day. Forgive because that’s the first step.

Forgive yourself, forgive him and forgive everything. Don’t hold grudges. Remind yourself that you’re beautiful and smart. He won’t be there to tell you those things anymore but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Take deep breaths when you feel like breaking down. Do things to keep yourself busy so you don’t have to think about him. And always, always love yourself. Remember what Cristina Yang from Grey’s said?

It’ll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it will hurt less and less and eventually you’ll remember him and…it will only hurt a little. I’m sure it must feel as though everything is coming apart but you can get through this.’ Remember what she said. It will be better,” I told her. She wiped her tears at the back of her hand and looked at me. I smiled at her. And for a moment right there, it really did hurt a little less.

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Enemies at war we build defences

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“If you asked me to define pain, I can’t really tell you except that it’s something that no one should go through alone.  I was told the other day that an average person dies by suicide is every 13.3 minutes and that suicide takes nearly 40,000 Americans every year. That is actually really sad because you know that the person wnet so much pain that it literally drove them off the edge. I guess everyone goes through their own amount of pain and suffering each day. I’m not one to judge based on pain for I am also hurting. But all I can say that sometimes, you have to be your own hero. You have to get up and fight for you because you’re so worth fighting for. Never ever degrade yourself. You’re a beautiful individual. You don’t need someone to tell you that tomorrow will be a better day. You just need someone to walk up to you and hug you and say ‘Just hang in there a little longer. It will be okay, I promise’. I believe that everyone has their own monsters to defeat and monsters comes in all sizes. I can’t tell you that I know what you’re going through but all I can say that you’re not alone.

Here’s to you and I. We’re the kids who barely survived high school. We made it through the years by watching One Tree Hill because it told us how to survive life. We’re the side kids. The kids that never fit in anywhere they go. We’re the kids who had our hearts broken and we’re still in the midst of fixing it. We’re the kids who actually spend our Friday nights listening to music and not out partying. We’re the kids whose music speaks for us and that we have bands that saved our lives. We’re the kids that are left behind and we’re suffering in silence. We’re the kids that never made it or have it all.

I’m not going to tell you that it will get easier because it’s not. But you get stronger. I can’t promise you that there won’t be days where you won’t break down and cry or days where you’re emotionally exhausted. I can’t promise that there won’t be days where you’re sad for no reason. There’ll be days where you feel like all hope is gone. There’ll be days will just don’t want to go on anymore. There’ll be days where your heart is going to hurt so much that you’ll physically feel the pain its bearing. I can however promise you that you’re not alone ; so don’t give up. Hang in there, soldier.

 

I swear to you that some day it will  be okay and these rough days you’re going through will be gone.”

‘If you need to crash then crash and burn, you’re not alone’ – Savage Garden : Crash And Burn