Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

The Tincture of Ameliorating.

This message was sent by another university classmate of mine last Tuesday. We’re just acquaintances so you could imagine how touched I was when I read this message she sent me through Instagram. Our conversation then proceeded to where I found out that her heart is currently in pain. Within the next few seconds, I said a silent prayer with a hope that at least she’ll fell less hurt.  Sofia, I’m glad my words cheered you up 🙂

They say pain changes you but they never say how it changes you. When I fell apart, my legs gave way as I collapsed on the floor breaking down. One time, I cried so hard that all my mother could do was just rub my back as she held me with all the might while I stained her shirt with my tears. You know what’s the most terrifying thing ever? Being scared of yourself. To me, there’s nothing scarier than to be afraid of yourself when you look at your own reflection asking yourself what happened to you. To hit that far below rock bottom was beyond hell. My heart ran out of love and my soul was torn apart in ways I didn’t know how to mend it back. The hurt my heart was going through was so painful that I could physically feel the pain.

I loaded my car and I went for a solo getaway. On that Saturday morning of the getaway, I sat on a long board (the one for surfing, not for skateboarding) and I watched the sunrise as I was floating in sea with my legs knee-deep in the cold sea water. I closed my eyes and I started telling myself quietly :

‘You will learn to love again. You are capable of love.’

It was then I realized that it will actually be alright. Yes, not now but in time, it will. Truthfully, I wish I had a manual that would tell me how to mend a broken soul because it’ll be so much easier. The only thing I know is that there’s a certain type of beauty in our souls and within our hearts. With given time, whatever that once caused the pain will no longer hurt. All you just have to do are 3 things :

  1. Don’t rush things. Let the heart and soul do heal by their own.
  2. Don’t suppress the feeling because numbing the pain will only make it worse afterwards.
  3. Believe in yourself.

I began trusting myself a little bit more after everything. As I laid on that long board and floating at sea, I placed my hands on my chest and felt my heart beating. The beating that told me I would make it out alive through this pain. I’m not going to lie and hide the fact that there are days where I lose my composure and cry. But you know what’s the most courageous thing? It’s when on those dark days, you still accept yourself for who you are. People look at me and they wonder how do I do it. Well, love is the key. I still continued to give love. I became more kind and gentle especially with myself.

Cry, if you must ; and smile when you’re happy. You’re entitled to feel whatever you feel and no one should ever make you feel that whatever you’re feeling is wrong.  3.5 years of teaching kids how to swim have taught me the essence of forgiveness and the joy of being kind. We grew up in a society where people think love is cruel but hey, that heart that you walk around with? It not only pumps life to your entire body but it feeds your soul with love. It heals your physical and emotional wounds. It’s not evil and it’s definitely not cruel. Sure, your previous relationship didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of loving again.

You got to do you. You want to hike up the Himalayas? Do it. You want to just stay in bed and read for the entire day? Do it. Do things that you love and bring bliss to your heart and soul. Yes you’re scarred but I truly believe that everything you go through in life is stitched together with really good intentions. Let yourself heal and then when you’re ready, you’ll love again. Above all else, believe in yourself. You really have to. Do it for you. Trust that heart of yours for eventually it will mend and your soul will be okay again. 

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

To You, From Me.

It’s been 14 days since I’ve came home and the P.M.S (Post Melbourne Syndrome) is taking its toll on me. What you’re going to tell me is that I’m being a melancholic drama queen and that it was my holiday hence why I can’t compare what I’ve experienced in Melbourne to home. Don’t get me wrong ; I love being home because of the familiarity with things and the convenience of driving around in my car instead of relying on the public transport like I did in Melbourne. Let me get things straight before you and I go into a debate on what a ungrateful brat I am for not appreciating what I have right now.

I have never spent that long of a holiday in a place where I knew completely nothing about and I had to rely on a map and a travel guide that I took from the airport and maneuver my way when I got lost. Your argument to that statement would probably be “But Elizabeth Gilbert spent a year in 3 different countries to find herself and wrote a book about it.” I didn’t have the time to take a year off university to do so, so I milked whatever time I was given for my semester break which was 35 days and I landed just 4 hours before my first class for the new semester started. So yes, ladies and gentlemen, I squeezed in every second I could get out of my break.

I won’t hide behind a lie and say being back in ‘reality’ has been a bliss because it hasn’t rreally but I’m blessed. I mean, I desperately needed that holiday (or escape, you can put it that way). Take my skin, for instance, and the outbreaks its been having compared to me being in Melbourne.  However, despite me missing Melbourne terribly and wanting to go back (even if it means for me to shiver in the cold and complain about the heat), it’ll always be an experience that I’ll never forget. A while ago and I flipped through my wood-printed faux leather 2016 planer, this year is really going to be my year.

Nonetheless, Melbourne did heal me in ways I can’t explain. Dear reader, if you’re reading this post and feeling like you’re beyond repair, I am a walking proof that things will fit perfect into place and eventually, your soul will mend. I’m honestly not telling you that it’s easy because I am still having a difficult time handling things myself and I have yet to conquer the art of improvising to whatever life is going to throw at my way. You’re going to tell me that I was one of the lucky ones who was given a chance to go somewhere to ‘find myself’ and I won’t argue with you on that. I am lucky and I’m so thankful and grateful to be given that opportunity. I came home to type this post to tell you, wherever you may be right now and whatever you’re going through ; I’m here to tell you that Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture ( though only reading a few chapters and I’ve yet to finish reading) taught me that :

This is what it is. We can’t change it. We just have to decide how we’ll respond. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just  how we play the hand.”

You got you ; you got this – I urge you to tell yourself that.

Inspiring Angel.

“Describing Win is going to take a while because to be honest, she’s really different. So I’m just going to summarize it up into something that is short. She thought me how to love again, how to pick myself up and encouraged me to fight for what I want. My parents told me that she’s a driven girl who knows what she wants and stands firm to what she believes in. They said that she’ll be the person that will go far. She just needs encouragement. Then again, everyone needs encouragement. Win is a really talented person. Besides being ambidextrous, art defines her. If there was one thing that I would ask her to pick up again would be music. Her mom asked her multiple of times to pick it back up because she has that ‘touch’ in music. I’ve seen her play the piano. You have to sit down and ask her to play anything and just watch her. She doesn’t need a piano diploma to prove to you that’s good. She’s that talented.

I’ve also watched how she studies art in her own way. How she would like to feel a certain drawing. She just sits there, completely zoned out with her music and the pen or brush between her fingers. She’s also a proud book worm. She never comes out a bookstore empty handed. She always compare books and sometimes you can find her talking to the books she’s holding in her hands. She finds comfort in literature and you can find the edge of the pages of her books folded to signify something on that page that is important to her. She also highlights phrases or sentences in her books. Basically, any form of art defines her ; expresses her. Other than that, she’s analactical. She always puts her heart into whatever she’s doing. You should see how she solves engineering statistics questions. When she actually focus, she can do it. She writes a lot too because it’s the only way she can spill her thoughts and emotions out on paper.

So if a guy were to fall in love with her, just know that when she loves you back, she loves with all her heart. Believe me when I tell you that she’s going to put your happiness first before hers because she knows what it’s like to sad and she wouldn’t want you to feel that way. She’s that kind of person. She’s passionate, independent, ambitious and she never expects anything from you. She’s not one to judge at all because she believes every flaw that an individual carry is beautiful in its own way that only the right person can see. She’s not demanding and she’s different, really uniquely different. Sure she’s going to need assurance from time to time because who doesn’t have insecurities. So I think if a guy falls in love with her, it’s because carry a certain confidence or passion in her and she’s always herself.

She’s a fighter too but I think every warrior out there needs someone to make them believe that everything will be okay after tough day at war. She inspires people, even if she doesn’t know it. Because of her strong will power to pick herself up after a fall and the obvious fact that she strives and thrives for everything she does. If I have to describe Winnie in one sentence, it’ll be :

‘A girl that you’ll never regret knowing because she taught me about life more than anyone ever had’. Just like what my parents told me, I am lucky to have a friend like her in my life.”

– EBL.

Fix A Broken Heart

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“It hurts, Win. I feel like my heart can’t take it. I can physically feel the pain,” I remembered watching her slowly cry. I held her hand and I lifted her chin gently. I wiped her tears with my fingers and I looked into her dark brown eyes. I could somehow feel her heart falling apart.

My grip on her fingers became tighter. “Look at me,” I told her.

Through her teary eyes, “I’m never enough for him,” her voice said shakily.

My face turned into a serious look. “Hey, don’t you ever, ever say that,” I said.

“How can you say that? You’re hurting too after what the other guy did to you. He treated you as a rebound. He opened up old wounds and it hurt you because your ex did the exact same thing. So how can you say that it’s okay when it hurts?” she said as tears stream down her cheeks faster.

“I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to hurt. It only makes you more human to be in pain. Yes I’m in no position to tell you how to heal your heart but all I can tell you that over time it will heal by itself. You know why it’s hard for you and I? Because we felt it. Both guys held our hands, kissed us and gave us hugs. I broke down so much last week. To the point where I collapsed on the floor and just cry. But look at me now. Yes I’m not perfectly fine but at least I’m not crying that much now.”

“How…how do you just…make it stop. Make…the pain….stop” she stuttered asking me.

“It’s not going to be easy because there’s going to be days where you still wake up in hopes that he’ll text you ‘Good morning, beautiful’ or messages saying that he misses you. There will also be days where you feel like you can’t go on anymore. And there will also be days where you just wish things were different. You’ll check all his social networking profiles and every single love song ever created somehow is about him. You’re going to be bitter at every happy couple out there and you’re going to want to get so drunk just to numb the pain.

But it’s not going to be easy. So take all the time you need to heal. All the damn time you need. You have to do it for yourself. Your friends can only help you that much. Yes, everyone makes it seem so easily to just move on but they don’t feel like how you and I feel. Whether it was an infatuation, a crush or a relationship. Your heart still feels it ; big or small. The heart feels every damn thing. That’s what makes us human. To feel. You held his hands, you felt his presence and in that moment it was real to you and it hurts because the heart felt it.

I don’t know how to fix a broken heart but all I can say you can’t blame yourself because you gave it all and it was your best. What I know is that, you’ll learn how to love again. You’re going to stumble and fall but hey, trail and error right? Sometimes you can’t really avoid the hurt because you’re so caught up with everything and your heart just feels everything all at once,” I said, looking at her.

I reached for my purse and I found my plastic human body anatomy model. I slowly disassemble the body parts and place it in her palms.

“This,” I began telling her. “This my anatomy John Doe. It’s like how Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy had her Anatomy Jane Doll. I had this,” I pointed at the plastic body parts.

“I’ve had it since I was 9 or 10 years old. And I bring it around whenever I feel like crying so I could disassemble and assemble it again,” I explained. I asked her to fix it and she managed to fix it, putting all the pieces into place. Once she was done, she opened her hand to show me the full toy. I closed her fingers and held the plastic body between our hands.

“You see, when you fall apart, only you know how to fix yourself. I didn’t have to tell you how to fix. You somehow knew where everything was and you fixed it. It took time didn’t it?” I asked and she nodded slowly.

“Just like your heart, it takes time to heal. You will somehow know how to stitch back the broken pieces together. Some pieces are more difficult to patch back than the others but I promise you, once you’re done, you’ll be brand new again. It is as if you never fell apart in the first place. No one said it’s going to be easy but I swear on my life that it’ll be better. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week but some day. Forgive because that’s the first step.

Forgive yourself, forgive him and forgive everything. Don’t hold grudges. Remind yourself that you’re beautiful and smart. He won’t be there to tell you those things anymore but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Take deep breaths when you feel like breaking down. Do things to keep yourself busy so you don’t have to think about him. And always, always love yourself. Remember what Cristina Yang from Grey’s said?

It’ll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it will hurt less and less and eventually you’ll remember him and…it will only hurt a little. I’m sure it must feel as though everything is coming apart but you can get through this.’ Remember what she said. It will be better,” I told her. She wiped her tears at the back of her hand and looked at me. I smiled at her. And for a moment right there, it really did hurt a little less.

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Resilient

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Helen Keller once said, “Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties“.

You be selfish with your own happiness. You go chase your dreams because sweetheart, no one is ever going to chase it for you. You make your stand for what you believe in and go for it. Yes being your own hero is tiring because every demon out there wants a pound of your flesh. Heck, screw everyone who even has something to say about what you eat. You want that piece of chocolate cake? Go eat it. You’re living for yourself. Not for anyone else. Be driven. Strive. Be motivated. Thrive. Be brave. Be fearless. Don’t wait for someone to buy you that Cartier. You can get it yourself. You work for it. You’re responsible for your own success. Pour in effort.

Is it going to be difficult? Yes it is. I’m not telling you all heroes have it easy because they don’t. They lose people along the way and they get cuts and bruises. They fall, cry and they get hurt. But what makes a great hero is that you can get back up on your feet through everything and keep fighting. So fight for yourself because you’re worth it. You are strong.

My Fit Life

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People have been asking what I’ve been doing to become as fit as I am. Being an athlete since I was 10, it has build me into what I am today. Truthfully, looking back on these 11 months + , it’s been a roller coaster for my body and the trips to the doctors’ had reduce tremendously as to compared to 2011. So here’s a little something to the inside of my fit life. I hope these 10 tips will help you too 🙂

1. Change your eating habits
I think this is the hardest of them all. If you’re used to eating fast food and junk (like chips), it’s harder to change it. I, for one, love fried chicken and really spicy food. But being a gastric patient, my diet had to change. More high fiber foods, less oily food and more vegetables and fruits. Also, I’ve been trying to save money so I usually bring home-cooked food or walk home for a meal. Healthier + cheaper! In my case, I eat small meals throughout the day and this helps. Always remember to have a balance diet!

2. Discipline.
This is the second hardest. Being discipline takes a lot of work, to be honest. I slack off really easily when it comes to exercising and that makes me feel so guilty. To avoid slacking, try setting an alarm to remind you to work out or exercise. Change doesn’t happen in a day. It takes time to adjust. If you want it, you have to be determine and persistent about it.

3.  Simple is better than nothing!
If you have no time to go to the gym or for a jog, do what I do. Climb the stairs and walk. I spent a semester solely on just climbing up the stairs to my classes (sometimes 11 flights or 17 flights of stairs). I found that climbing the stairs to class was faster than the elevators to come down and it’s less crowded. I also do simple exercises in my room when I wake up every morning. I make it a habit to wake up 2 hours before class to stretch and do simple yoga.

4. Never beat yourself up.
Having a cheat meal doesn’t make you a bad person. It only makes you human. Just because you have one cupcake, you’re going to starve yourself for the rest of the day. My guilty pleasure food is pizza. So it’s okay if you have a slice of cake or eat a bar of chocolate. As long as you remember to stay back on track, you’ll be fine 🙂

5. Love yourself.
It is very difficult to love yourself especially when you know that all your flaws and weaknesses. My table is filled with motivational quotes from inspiring people so that I’d be surrounded with positivity. Remember, negativity will not get you anywhere. Loving yourself means to take care of yourself. I usually treat myself by taking warm showers and buying a cone of frozen yogurt with sprinkles on top 😀

6. Focus on yourself.
Being fit isn’t a competition. It’s for your health and your health is your own responsibility. It’s not how many crunches you do or how firm your abs are. It’s about the effort you did to improve yourself. If you want change, make it happen. Only you know what you want. Set your priorities straight. Make time to exercise.

7.  Just do your best.
When I run, I always set a goal. For example like 5 km and I usually want to finish the 5 km. My swimming coach always tell me that you set a goal every time you exercise so that it’ll make you stick to it. If you don’t finish it, at least you know you’ve done 3 quarters of it and it’s better than nothing because you’ve done your best. Always give your best when you’re exercising ; small or major work outs. Everything counts.

8. Stay hydrated
Tea, honey water, or just plain water ; drink up. Sometimes when your body is craving for something, it might be just thirsty. I’m not much of a coffee drinker but I always carry a little bottle of water in my bag whenever I step out of the house. If you have a craving for a Coke or some kind of soda, my advice would be juice. Your tongue wants something sweet so why not go for both healthy and sweet and drink juice instead? Healthy and hydrated!

9. Believe that you can.
It’s important to always believe that you can do it. People are always judging you but you’re strong enough to not let them sway you off your path. You’re a beautiful individual, in and out. And knowing that you can, you’re already halfway there, mate. 😉

10. Don’t give up
Yes there are times when you just feel like everything is falling apart but I believe that every one has a strong will in them. So thrive and strive. Don’t ever ever give up on your goal, mission and vision that you’ve set for yourself. People would give you every reason to give up or persuade you to give up. Don’t fall for that trap. You have to fight for yourself. Be your own hero.

These are just 10 tips that I’ve learnt so far for my 2014 fit journey. It’s tough, tiring and not what I’ve expected. It took a lot of effort and being fit and healthy is a choice. Safe to say, I’m proud of this choice I’ve made. I hope this post had helped you in some way, dear readers as it’s my first time writing about a fit post.

“It’s not about perfect. It’s about effort. And when you implement that effort into your life every single day, that’s where transformation happens. That’s how change occurs. Keep going. Remember why you started.” – Jillian Michaels.