Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

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Dear self,

Dear self,

This is the happy Winnie deciding to write to you because what a better way to write it than on my blog ; Even if it’s weird talking to myself here. So here goes…

You need to know that there will be days where you won’t know what it’s like anymore and you’ll find yourself breaking down with your hands covering your ears while you cry. There will be days where there is no longer anyone to turn to. There will be days your heart will break and the hurt is going to be painful. In those days, you’re going to be alone and it will feel like your world is crashing and you no longer can grab hold of things. Bottom line is, you’re going to feel like shit.

I need you to always remember that you got this. You really, really do. It won’t be easy but you’ve come a long way and I’m so proud of you. Be gentle with yourself. Pray in  those dark times. Watch your speeches, business lectures and interviews from all the famous schools. Read ; fill the cracks with words. Blast the music and run ; clock in the hours into training. Dive into the pool and swim those laps ; the water will shut everything off. Hold up that squash racket and focus in the court. Drink chai latte, chamomile tea and juice.  Trust me, they’re going to make you feel so much better.

There will also be times where you’ll have to cut off people from your life. In those times, you’re going to have to do it. You need to because you need those people in your life to keep weighing you down. You got to do you. And there will be days where you’ll stare in the mirror and your insecurities will start eating the living daylights out of you. In those days, tell yourself you’re beautiful and that you’re looking good. Say nice things to that reflection. Wear make up and massage lotion into your skin slowly. You’ll feel better, trust me on this.

It’s going to take time so take all the time that you need to heal. Happiness is your own responsibility and you’re the only one who is in control of your own mind, emotions and well-being. You’re stitched together with good intentions and you’re not your own monster. Please remember that in those dark times when you’re battling with yourself. Yes, you’ll be alone but please, please don’t forge that you’re loved and someone out there is so happy that she/he have you in his/her life.

Above all, you first. Love yourself. Mend yourself first. You before anyone else. It’s not selfish. You have to save and protect yourself first before doing it for someone else. You know who you are and who you want to be. You know how to get there. You know what to do. This is just a gentle reminder in case things get out of hand.

There’s a difference between what you want and what you need. This…you need to never forget. You got this, baby girl. You do.