“How long did you spend drawing the dream-catcher anatomical heart?”
“You actually found me.”
“Because I saw the car parked outside. You’re the only girl I know that drives a left driver’s side classic Mustang around here. And if I, of all people, can’t find you…honestly, no one will. I know you don’t want to talk to anyone but…”
“If you didn’t come here to admire my work but to lecture me, I suggest that you leave me and my bottle of Dom Pérignon alone.”
“No. I came here to see how you’re holding up. I can see that you’ve been making music, producing our music and work, doing cinematography and photography, creating art, writing and reading Bloomberg, WSJ, The Economist, books, and the freaking Encyclopædia Britannica. I also heard that you’ve clocked in almost 24 hours at different training sessions. That’s an average of 4 hours a day either at the pool, track field, courts, range and at the cages.”
“Then you’ve heard about that incident where I had to be rushed to the emergency….”
“I know, love. You barely slept for the past week, hardly eating and you lost so much weight”
“Unless you have a way to make nightmares go away that doesn’t involve me taking Ambien, I’m up for it. Because I literally just gave up on myself. I surrender. I give up.”
“Don’t. Just don’t. I give up. I know I never give up on anything but this…me…I give up. I just…can’t anymore. I give up on me.”
“I came here because this is my playground. We all used to come here. Kev and I used to come here all the time and we would sit on this roof and stare at the moon. We came here to make and produce music, develop rolls of films, do filming and photo shoots. We would create art ; any form of art. Whether it was writing or something…this was our playground. And it’s like we always had all these solutions to whatever life throws at us. We made a promise that we’ll never give up on ourselves…And now..it’s just me here…and I’m scared…and I give up on me. I just…”
“Come here *holds tightly* Hey hey hey…it’ll be okay.”
“No you don’t get it, Ming. I’ve literally accepted that I’ll never be enough for anyone…and I just….am tired…in pain…hurting…and I just…”
” *wipes out tears* Look at me, Win.
” *stares* ”
” I’m going to tell the exact same thing that you told me when I was in your position and what you’re going to do is to take your own words that you gave me : Never let anyone…not even me to determine self worth. Never. Ever. Not me, your siblings, parents, your best friends or any one else. Never.
I’m sorry that my side of the gender for being the same. I’m sorry. I really am. Look, even I, of all people, thought this was going to be perfect. I too thought he was different. I genuinely thought that finally things are going your way but he fucked up. If he thinks that he’s not the same like other assholes, then why did he do what he did? I don’t care if it was physical or not. The fact that he had slight feelings for her already tells you it was cheating. I know he told you that he’ll never do that to you but obviously, that was fucking bullshit. It was his choice and it happened while you two were together. It is not your fault and he never told you. Like he didn’t man the balls up to tell you! He kept that from you and he’s probably telling himself that he’ll tell you one day what really happened just because you’re emotionally unstable right now is just full of shit. Just face the music already! He doesn’t know what he wants and needs. He chose to lived up to all the things people say about him. How he’s a player and all that. It was his damn choice. You didn’t cheat on him. He did and he successfully convinced himself and his bed of fucking lies that he didn’t do anything wrong.
This is not karma or whatever. This is entirely not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t the one who cheated. You weren’t the one who fell for someone else or what ever the shit he did ; whether it’s physical or not. Don’t give me ‘He’s only human, can’t you be nice?’ line because you are human too and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. And I know you so well that you’re going to forgive him and be friends with him again. But look at you. I can physically feel that pain that you’re feeling and you have no idea how much I want to take you away from all the poisonous people in your life. The ones that broke your heart so many times, the ones who ended up saying ‘I told you so’, the ones who treated you like trash and the ones who took advantage of your kindness. I want to take away all your pain because you’ve been hurt for so long and I don’t know how much longer I can see you like this.
I know you want to give up, love but believe me when I say you’re good enough. I know for a fact that you are. You have inspired so many people! Because of you, I am who I am today. The rest of them will agree to this. We’ve become so successful because of you, Win. You taught us how to love again, how to get back up, how to fight for our dreams and that everything will be okay. You’re the strongest and bravest 21 year old I’ve ever met in my entire life. You’ve been through so much and you’ve saved lives. You helped lives. I know you got this. I mean, not right now, no. I know you’re scared of yourself and you want to give up on yourself and I know it’s hard. But please don’t. I know you got this. Do it for the author in you behind that unpublished book you kept in the box. Do it for the artist in you behind those magnificent artwork. Do it for the musician in you that smiles at the crowd after a performance on stage. Do it for the athlete in you that never gave up every stadium you competed in. Do it for the photographer and producer in you that is so ever talented. You got this. You really do.
He’s going to block you from everywhere and unfollow you and it’s going to hurt. It hurts because you really did love him with every ounce of your being and heart. This pain is inevitable. There’s going to be nights where you’ll find yourself crying in at 3 am because you wish things would be different and there will be days where you’ll play the ‘what if’s scenarios in your mind. There’s going to be memories that will haunt you in the shower. And then there will be the day where you’ll see him with someone else and you’re going to wish so badly that she was you instead and you’re going to hope that she’ll love him as much as you did. And you’re going to wonder what she has that you don’t. It’s going to hurt and there’ll be a stabbing pain that will send a burn to your heart.
But I know you got this. You can do this. You’ve made it this far and I know you can go further. You’re more than ‘good enough’ because you’re better. I swear on my life that you are. So please remember that I love you and I’m so lucky, blessed, grateful and proud to have you as my best friend. And I trust that you got this. As scared, tired, exhausted, sick, terrified, insecure, ugly, or ‘not good enough’ as you think you are, I’m here and I’m never leaving you. And if there’s a day when you feel like you’re not loved, you remember me, alright? Don’t give up on yourself. You got this. I know you do.”