Warm Strawberries & Silent Prayers

The picture above was taken after being on the bus for almost an hour only to realised that I didn't get off at the right stop and I got off the wrong bus stop, walked 30 minutes until I decide to wait at another bus stop. Then I got on another bus, got off the right stop, walked for another 40 minutes and I finally reached the beach. Basically, I got lost in another country and my phone didn't have enough data to check anything. 

 

I was looking through all the pictures (polaroids, printed photos & the digital ones) and for every piece of memory that comes with them, I'm thankful. 2017 has taught so much about love in any kind of relationship ; even the relationship with myself. People have been asking how do I do it ; how am I still whole after watching me fall and tear myself apart. So here's what I wrote in my travel journal while I watched the waves gently hug the shore while I bury my toes in the warm loose sand, eating that box of strawberries : –


"Note to self :

You're at a tender age where life is viciously harsh. Some scars that are within you still sting from time to time. Some scars are sewn shut by your horrible sewing skills that makes them look uneven and jagged. But let me tell you that it is okay. Your best friends and family may not have seen you entirely at your worst where you know your healing mechanism somehow is so broken and you don't know how to fix yourself anymore.

There comes a night where your soul falls apart and you can feel yourself crumbling. It is going to be the toughest night you have to survive through. Everything within you feels hollow ; empty. Your hands are going to tremble because you're terrified. Your insecurities have all awaken and have began tearing you apart ; eating you alive.  You're then forced to face your inner monster with nothing but your stripped down, worn out self. You will break down until your throat feels tight and you're gasping for air. You're both equally exhausted and in so much pain. You're just sitting there waiting for dawn, clinging onto the mere hope that it'll be less horrifying. Yes, you are going be so desperate to stop the pain you're feeling and you'll do anything to divert the pain. But please, please hang in there with me for a while more.

There comes a day where the sky is at its best blue and you'll feel yourself shattering in public. You'll bite your lower lip to stop your eyes from forming tears, trying your hardest not to break down in public. Your fingers will be cold and you'll put them in the pockets of your best jeans while masking the obvious fact you're on the verge of crying. Pieces of your heart and soul will begin chipping apart and this is where you're going to pick it all up by yourself. You're going to try to mend yourself in a failing attempt to do so. Tears will stream down your face ; leaving stains on your cheeks and you're going want to stop breathing because the struggle is too painful. But please, please bare with me a little longer.

Don't give up. It's never the time to give up. Of course, it is easier said than done because who's to say what and how you should feel or not. I don't know what you're going through neither do I understand the pain you're feeling. But all I know is that if you're hurting, just take your time for it is okay. The world is already rough and it can be unkind. The last thing that heart of yours need is for you to be wicked it. The heart, the one that took 9 months for your mother to form and grow in her, is meant to love ; especially your entire well-being. You have to trust and believe in it. Just don't give up for you were born to discover places, create your amazing version of art and build your little path. You're going to stumble and fall but please be gentle. You need to know that you really are something and enough. You are loved by someone ; be it a family, a pet or friend. You've come a long way ; went to hell and back. So believe me when I say you really are strong enough to keep going. You got this, warrior.

With much love"


If you're thinking that I have got it all under control, some days I don't but I do take time off to reflect on my life. I've lost people ; friends and family. I've gotten my heart so broken to the point I could physically feel the pain.  Sitting on that warm sand in the picture, I had my passport, on my lap, that held immigration stamps which was the sole proof that I've went out, explored, and conquered. I learned so much ; so many things that I can't possibly type out in one post. But if it's one thing that I learned is you are never alone in this and you're worth the fight 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

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Fix A Broken Heart

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“It hurts, Win. I feel like my heart can’t take it. I can physically feel the pain,” I remembered watching her slowly cry. I held her hand and I lifted her chin gently. I wiped her tears with my fingers and I looked into her dark brown eyes. I could somehow feel her heart falling apart.

My grip on her fingers became tighter. “Look at me,” I told her.

Through her teary eyes, “I’m never enough for him,” her voice said shakily.

My face turned into a serious look. “Hey, don’t you ever, ever say that,” I said.

“How can you say that? You’re hurting too after what the other guy did to you. He treated you as a rebound. He opened up old wounds and it hurt you because your ex did the exact same thing. So how can you say that it’s okay when it hurts?” she said as tears stream down her cheeks faster.

“I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to hurt. It only makes you more human to be in pain. Yes I’m in no position to tell you how to heal your heart but all I can tell you that over time it will heal by itself. You know why it’s hard for you and I? Because we felt it. Both guys held our hands, kissed us and gave us hugs. I broke down so much last week. To the point where I collapsed on the floor and just cry. But look at me now. Yes I’m not perfectly fine but at least I’m not crying that much now.”

“How…how do you just…make it stop. Make…the pain….stop” she stuttered asking me.

“It’s not going to be easy because there’s going to be days where you still wake up in hopes that he’ll text you ‘Good morning, beautiful’ or messages saying that he misses you. There will also be days where you feel like you can’t go on anymore. And there will also be days where you just wish things were different. You’ll check all his social networking profiles and every single love song ever created somehow is about him. You’re going to be bitter at every happy couple out there and you’re going to want to get so drunk just to numb the pain.

But it’s not going to be easy. So take all the time you need to heal. All the damn time you need. You have to do it for yourself. Your friends can only help you that much. Yes, everyone makes it seem so easily to just move on but they don’t feel like how you and I feel. Whether it was an infatuation, a crush or a relationship. Your heart still feels it ; big or small. The heart feels every damn thing. That’s what makes us human. To feel. You held his hands, you felt his presence and in that moment it was real to you and it hurts because the heart felt it.

I don’t know how to fix a broken heart but all I can say you can’t blame yourself because you gave it all and it was your best. What I know is that, you’ll learn how to love again. You’re going to stumble and fall but hey, trail and error right? Sometimes you can’t really avoid the hurt because you’re so caught up with everything and your heart just feels everything all at once,” I said, looking at her.

I reached for my purse and I found my plastic human body anatomy model. I slowly disassemble the body parts and place it in her palms.

“This,” I began telling her. “This my anatomy John Doe. It’s like how Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy had her Anatomy Jane Doll. I had this,” I pointed at the plastic body parts.

“I’ve had it since I was 9 or 10 years old. And I bring it around whenever I feel like crying so I could disassemble and assemble it again,” I explained. I asked her to fix it and she managed to fix it, putting all the pieces into place. Once she was done, she opened her hand to show me the full toy. I closed her fingers and held the plastic body between our hands.

“You see, when you fall apart, only you know how to fix yourself. I didn’t have to tell you how to fix. You somehow knew where everything was and you fixed it. It took time didn’t it?” I asked and she nodded slowly.

“Just like your heart, it takes time to heal. You will somehow know how to stitch back the broken pieces together. Some pieces are more difficult to patch back than the others but I promise you, once you’re done, you’ll be brand new again. It is as if you never fell apart in the first place. No one said it’s going to be easy but I swear on my life that it’ll be better. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week but some day. Forgive because that’s the first step.

Forgive yourself, forgive him and forgive everything. Don’t hold grudges. Remind yourself that you’re beautiful and smart. He won’t be there to tell you those things anymore but that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful. Take deep breaths when you feel like breaking down. Do things to keep yourself busy so you don’t have to think about him. And always, always love yourself. Remember what Cristina Yang from Grey’s said?

It’ll hurt. Every time you think of him. But over time, it will hurt less and less and eventually you’ll remember him and…it will only hurt a little. I’m sure it must feel as though everything is coming apart but you can get through this.’ Remember what she said. It will be better,” I told her. She wiped her tears at the back of her hand and looked at me. I smiled at her. And for a moment right there, it really did hurt a little less.

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