One Day.

Author : Kev A. L. (May 7th 2012)

Journal entry : handwritten, Mont Blanc Meisterstück Fountain Pen – black ink.

My girl best friend, W, made me sit down and watch the entire movie called One Day. It adapted from the novel One Day by David Nicholls. One of her many favourite books. It was such…a raw film, honestly. Each chapter of the book covers the lives of two protagonists on 15 July, St. Swithin’s Day, for 20 years.

Dexter and Emma spend the night together following their graduation from Edinburgh University, in 1988. They talk about how they will be once they are 40. While they do not become romantically involved completely, this is the beginning of their friendship. The novel visits their lives and their relationship on 15 July in successive years in each chapter, for 20 years. Basically, the whole film told how they both stuck by each other through thick and thin. Emma and Dexter’s friendship had an increasingly difficult growth after Emma is constantly hurt by Dexter, who attempts to hide his feelings for her from both her and himself. Finally, after being treated rudely by Dexter at a restaurant, Emma breaks up the friendship.

Emma tries to overcome her problems and begins to write, while Dexter is unemployed and overwhelmed by his role as a father after his divorce from Sylvie, who was having an affair. Emma leaves to go to Paris in the hope of writing a sequel to her first successful children’s novel. When Dexter visits her in Paris, he learns that she has met someone and likes him, and for the first time admits his feelings to her. After talking about their relationship, Emma chooses Dexter.

Emma and Dexter form a relationship, are happy together, and get married, but Emma wants a child. The couple finds themselves frustrated by their failing attempts to have a child. Dexter, however, is able to open a deli-café and finds himself on his way back to being successful again. On the anniversary of the day they met after graduation and the day they got together, Emma and Dexter have an appointment to see a house. While travelling there, Emma has a bike accident and dies. After her death, Dexter finds himself in despair. He starts to drink again and provokes people in bars to get beaten.

He is comforted by his ex-wife Sylvie, his father, and his daughter. Three years after Emma’s death Dexter travels with his daughter to Edinburgh, where he and Emma met, and they climb the same hill together that he and Emma climbed 19 years ago. The film ends with a vivid and lingering memory of what happened after that stay together 20 years before: their goodbye kiss after the evening, promise to stay in touch, and goodbye.

It was literally the hardest thing to ever watch then when I asked W why did she make me watch it. She looked at me and said “You lost the love of your life to another man. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be best friends once again. Just remember, you need to tell her your feelings before it is too late. Love like that…doesn’t come around to many people. Each of us is only given one chance to cherish it so you go tell her how you feel. Say it loud and proud. Stand there. Even if you have hurt her, it is between you and God. I know her for she will forgive you. Don’t end up a Dex in the movie because by then, it is too late.”

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

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Author : Kev A. L. (May 6th 2012)

Journal entry : handwritten, Mont Blanc Meisterstück Fountain Pen – black ink.

“The most important person in your life must be your mother. She grew your heart in her, kept you safe and she’s the one who knows your heart the most. My mother told me about knowing who is the one for me. Her advice :

‘The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

One day, she’s going to know. She’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. She’ll know how old you were when you learned to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. She’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. She’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. She’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend. She’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. She’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. She’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions.

She’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. She’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s her favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. She’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. She’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. She’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. She’s going to know how you feel without you telling her, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. She’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. She’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and she will stick by you through thick and thin. And you know what else? She is still going to love you.’

Today, I lost the person who is more than just the love of my life. As cliche as it sounds, she will forever be my soul mate. I lost her to a man who knows what she likes and how her smile can light the deepest and darkest corners of his soul. I lost her to a man who is going to know how much she loves forehead kisses and he gets to feel her warm, gentle, kind and loving soul. I don’t know how to feel but my heart aches badly for her. I had to break it off with the other girl that I was with because I didn’t feel right after 6 months. She wasn’t my Lynne and I thought of getting her back. My friends say I’m too stupid for not realising it when I was given the chance. I didn’t know what to do, how to feel but I know I could get her back if I really wanted to. It is May the 6th. It marks 5 years of knowing Lynne from being best friends to a couple and now to complete strangers. It reminds me of the movie One Day. But today, let it be known that karma has came around and I’ve gotten a slap from God.”

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memory
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself from piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time
Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back
For the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Stress-Induced Cardiomyopathy

You fell through the white door, collapsing on the floor. You clutched tightly on to your chest and the doctor rushed to your aid. Your eyes are red and swollen, the proof that you have been crying hard. You tried, along with the help of the doctor to lift your body into a sitting position.

“No sedate…” you said ghostly through your very pale lips. “Benzodiazepines will…”

“Make it worse,” the doctor continued as you beginning to fall apart into her arms.

Your heart is pounding really hard that the chest muscles begin tightening up. Your hands are shaking and your body suddenly feel cold. You start to feel light headed and you gripped onto the arm of the doctor. Looking in her eyes, your eyes begin forming tears. Breathing was getting harder for you.

“Deep breaths. Inhale and exhale deeply. Come on…”, the doctor said.

What also seems to be forever, you found yourself on a white hospital bed while the doctor sat opposite of the room. Two of you were waiting for your first emergency contact to arrive. Slowly, you begin to cry ; burying your face into your hands. The doctor began walking towards your bed and held you. She allowed you to cry all out until exhaustion hits again.

“You did the right thing to come here. I know you’re angry at God, not knowing where He is when you needed Him the most. Your eyes were pleading me to save you. You once told me that people do die of heartbrokenness. We doctors call it stress-induced cardiomyopathy. Your chest was in an intense pain due the amount of stress your heart is feeling. The very common cause of death is usually cardiogenic shock.mIt is very similar to a heart attack or cardiac arrest.  It is our job as doctors to save lives so if we don’t blame a patient for what he/she is going through, a patient shouldn’t as well.”

You reached out for her hand and held it tightly. Fear was written in your eyes as you looked at her. She squeezed your hand softly and she nodded.

“It gets the best of us,” she said gently. “Maybe it really is time to allow your entire support system to save you. The people who love and care so much for you ; your support system. You can’t do this alone anymore. Especially not when you’re this broken. You can’t save you from yourself and that is the toughest thing to do. It is time to allow your support system to save you. I know it would kill my mother if she finds out you actually die of broken heart syndrome. She already lost my brother. I don’t want her to lose you which reminds her so much of him. Hang in there, love. One more time, alright?”

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Today I stopped myself half way through training and I broke down ; hard. Weak, embarrassed and pathetic, I was crying so hard, that I was screaming for God asking Him where is He when I needed Him the most. My 70 year old old coach ran to me and held me tightly, burying me into his chest, as if he too could almost physically feel the pain my heart is going through. Unsteadily, I said “Your strongest athlete always picked herself up. But…I don’t think…I could do it anymore…your strongest athlete is no longer strong…”

He squeeze me a little tightly and rubbed my back. Gently he said, “I’m sorry. Bad things always happen to good people and you, of all kind souls out there, don’t deserve this. I watched you learned how to mend your heart even when you’re terrible at it. You still do it anyways. I watched you love, over and over again. Bravely and wholeheartedly. You are only human. And there’s only so much pain one can take. But hang in there, warrior. Just for a little while more. You got this and I know you do. You can’t be strong all the time. It has always been a fucking tough war for you and I am so sorry that it has not been over for you. You will learn about love, strength, endurance and what it means to be genuinely happy again. You aren’t obligated to answer ‘Are you okay, Winnie’ questions. If and only if, you want to. That horribly broken heart of yours only beat for one very important person and that is you. Let me pick you up this time and I will keep picking yourself up until you have muster enough strength to do it yourself. So warrior, let’s hoist back yourself up one more time. With whatever you got, let’s do this. You are not alone.”

I looked at him. I begin pleading.

“Make it stop, coach. Where is God when I needed Him the most? My heart hurts so badly, I can physically feel my chest muscles hurting. God knows I’d do anything and yet, why would He put me through this…”

“Sweetheart…”

“Coach you can’t tell me that you know how I feel. I don’t need your pity. It’s just…I don’t want to go on from here. I just want to stab myself so the pain will stop.”

He began rocking me gently while I continue breaking down, soaking his favourite red Nike Dri-Fit shirt.

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

The Start of 2018.

Ah, January.

A week into February, I’m still teaching myself about self love. After a long time, I actually felt comfortable in my own skin. I guess after what seems to be forever, I started loving myself a little more & accepted my flaws. I know I haven’t been blogging much. I’ve been trying to balance work and my social life. I am so thankful to have such supportive friends and family members. In January, I learned to say ‘No’ to people and started putting myself first. Here’s to that rare day in January when I told myself I am enough. And here’s to you, whoever you are. May the rest of 2018 be your year that you love yourself a little more too.

 

PS : I promise I will blog more! So stay tuned for more updates!

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Mahalo 2017

Ah 2017 has been more than just 365 days for me. I’ve learned so many things. Needless to say, I’ve achieved all my 2017 resolutions this year and I’m proud of myself. It has been a journey. Yes, there were hurricane moments and times where I don’t even want to get out of bed. The moments where I would muster enough courage to not cry in public. Well, you know the rest of it as I’ve said it in my previous posts. But this year, I’ve learn something really valuable to me. I’ve come to muster the courage and strength to pull myself back up despite how hard it is. I’ve been abundantly blessed and beyond loved by people. I’ve met amazing people, whom I now call family.

I walked into 2017 having the slight fear of what it may be. I didn’t know whether to actually allow my heart to love again but slowly, I learned how to. It was definitely a different year for me as to compared to the previous years before. I’m truly grateful for it all. Each up and down I’ve experienced and dealt with this year has taught me so much. 2017, you weren’t too bad, I guess.

With that being said, I’m going to walk into 2018 with these 10 resolutions.

  1. “May the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me” – Go chase your dreams ion the next 365 days.
  2. “Like wild flowers, you must allow yourself to grow in places people thought you never would.”More self growth, love and development.
  3. “Invest time in yourself. On improving yourself. Have the courage to take risks. Go where there are no guarantees. Get out of your comfort zone, even if it means being uncomfortable.The road less traveled is sometimes fraught with barricades, bumps, and uncharted terrain. But it is on that road where your character is truly tested — and your personal growth realized.” – Katie Couric- Read more, do more art and travel ~ push yourself.
  4. Look into your own heart, discover what it is that gives you pain… and then refuse, under any circumstance whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anybody else. – Karen Armstrong – Treat people like how you want to be treated and always, always be kind. Keep inspiring people.
  5. Throw out bad habits like eating unhealthily and exercise more.
  6. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
  7. Don’t you dare, not now and not ever, quit. – Keep thriving and striving.
  8. Before you sleep every night, forgive everyone who has harmed you and pray that everyone you might have harmed unintentionally, forgives you.
  9. Remember, you got this baby girl.
  10. Pray, and let god worry – Martin Luther King Jr.

They’re not much but at least these 10 are to me the bare minimum. I’ll figure out more on the way.

Mahalo, 2017. And aloha to 2018.

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.