Project Bring Win Home : Melbourne.

As I’m typing this, it has been a week since I have flown back to Malaysia and the Post Melbourne Syndrome (PMS) has been taking a little toll on me. I learned so much. If there was a word to describe Melbourne, it will always be home. My second home, at least.

I was welcomed by my best friend, James. The Schultz family opened their lovely home to me. Words can’t describe how full my heart is and how grateful I am for the love, warmth and comfort. I am tremendously blessed. My heart was (still is) heavy when I had to leave. I never wanted to leave, honestly. James took me on road trips and we had our heart-to-heart talks about life. It was something my heart, soul and mind needed.

I have spent hours in the national gallery, parks, walking around aimlessly and just taking time to enjoy moments. I’ve found comforting cups of Chai latte, enjoying homemade sandwiches and sunk into things that calms my soul. I actually had the time to reflect, draw, write and think. I took time to be with art ; music, paintings, literature, architecture and poetry. There were so many things I have learned about myself on this short trip. I learned about self love, forgiveness, passion and how to be whole again. The last time I flew to Melbourne, I needed to mend my broken heart. This time, I needed to feel whole again ; to go back to the familiar comfort and safety.

On the plane, I admitted to myself that I am still healing from things that I do not speak of. So there I was in a place where I learned how to love again. I learned how to heal and mend. I taught my heart to be brave and I patted my soul knowing that I got this. I am glad that I made this trip back to Melbourne and explored more of Victoria. Not only did my heart feel so full, I came back to Malaysia gaining so much more.

The year has not even touch midpoint and it has been one roller coaster ride. I have reflected, evaluated and learned from it all. More blog posts to come but for now : –

I have made a little tiled mosaic visual diary of the bits and pieces of my trip.

 

 

 

 

Victoria, this is not goodbye. I will be back. I will see you very soon. 

 

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Advertisements

National Geographic Earth Day Run 2018

Sunday was Earth Day and I joined a run by National Geographic that is held in Malaysia. It was a 15 kilometers run. Here’s part of my running diary.

Truthfully, I was really nervous for this run. I was nervous for my injuries. I didn’t know if I could even pull through past 12 kilometers but when I made it to the finish line…the feeling was surreal. I woke up at 5 am, showered and scrubbed excess skin so I could tape my injuries. I had a rice krispy bar with a pack of energy gel and a banana for breakfast due to the lack of time as I woke up late.

It has been weeks since I lost my appetite to eat. The week leading up to the run, I wasn’t able to carbo-load which was, in all honesty, a little sad. My mother was worried in the event I faint half way. At around the 8 kilometers mark, I was eating my other pack of energy. I didn’t stop at any water station as I had my waistband around me with 2 small bottles of water.

I managed to pep talk myself all the way to the Finish Line. I focused on myself and told myself that I am not comparing to anyone but only doing it for myself. I did hit a wall and groaned in pain at the 11 kilometers mark. An hour after I was done with the run, the emcee called for my name and I made my way to the information counter. To my surprise, I got a top 3 placing and it was my first time ever winning a public run. I was actually really shocked and I had to ask if they got the correct person. I did not even get any side stitches and I was proud of myself for not stopping. I was tempted to walk but I knew if I were to stop, it would have made the run ten times harder to finish.

To my coach, this is for you. In some way, I hope I have done you proud. Two weeks ago you watched me slowly hoisting myself back up despite how much I wanted to cry at training. You’ve seen you fall apart during training and held me in moments when I couldn’t go on anymore. You patiently coached me. Almost 2 years of constant recovery training and trying to clock in as much as I can for training. You mean more than just my support system to me. This is for you. Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am thankful and grateful.

If there was something that I need to tell you, dear reader, is that it is not about never falling but it is about picking yourself back up after the fall.❤

 

 

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

The Shrine of Remembrance (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)
Shot by James P.K.S
Model : Win W.

May the rest of 2018 be the year that you board on more planes and landing in places where the people who loves you will be holding up neon coloured boards with your name and screaming your name while you run into their arms for tight hugs. May you spend more hours in art galleries, libraries, bookstores, museums, record stores and theatres. May you soak into the musical atmosphere in philharmonic orchestra halls.

Here’s to more time that you will spend chasing your dreams, fueling your passion and building your empire. Here’s to being on the surfboard and watching the sunrise on the horizon of the sea and admiring the beauty. Here’s to more time that you will stand in the middle of the studio, playing all your favourite songs while you dance and soak in the music. Here’s to more nights where you looked your best while you confidently wore your best pair of heels out for a night of fun with good company. Here’s to more music, art and writing. Here’s to all the time you close your eyes and just focus on Mozart playing.

May you surf more and then lay on your surfboard to soak up the sun. May you do more cliff diving and doing backflip somersaults off boats. May you have more mornings that you wake up with a smile on your face knowing that you are alright. To all the runs, swims and tournaments, may you enjoy every second you spend doing it. May you create more art ; painting, writing and creating music. May you dance around the kitchen while you cook and bake to your favourite songs.

Here’s to the people that holds you when you cry and the ones who offer their shoulders to you when you’re tired. The people that would carry and lift you up when you have lost the will to go on. Here’s to the people that you laugh with and hug. Here’s to the people who took time to help you mend yourself and who are still making your heart so full.

Here’s to you, love. Here’s to never stop being kind, gentle and brave. To more forgiveness and step out to love again. To great heights that you will be climbing and times when you pick yourself. To distances that you will be going and passion that you will be building. To being content, grateful and thankful.  To doing more of you and loving yourself.

2018, I’m ready for the rest of you.

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

Oh love,

Here’s to you. To the mornings where you’ve woken up and just break down. Here’s to you for wiping your tears, tying your hair up and walk into the bathroom to get ready for the day. Here’s to the lunch hours where you would go home because it felt safer. Here’s to those days where you tell no one but internally, you just want to cry ; for everything was overwhelming. Here’s to the times where you silently pray for calmness and strength. To the mornings, days and nights that you’ve found it hard to get by and to all the moments where you stood under the shower, crying.

Your heart hurts and it is by far the most emotionally draining. It’s a very odd experience. At 7am you wish you could snooze your alarm and hide from the sunlight. At 10 you feel unstoppable and like maybe today is the day the heartbreak will ease. At 1pm you’re crying at your desk silently, hoping no one will notice and at 2 you’re running to the bathroom because you feel nauseous. At 3 you feel like you can manage. At 5 you’re exhausted from your heart leading you on this emotional roller coaster and your brain unsuccessfully trying to take back control. Come 8 o’clock and you’re squeezing your pillow, howling out to the moon wishing you could feel anything, anything but this.

But baby girl,

Be gentle. Be proud of yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone about small daily victories but only yourself. It’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out. To be able to get out of bed every morning and tell yourself that you got it ; that’s true strength there. It’s okay. Continue to be kind ; especially with yourself. Self-forgiveness is essential to be free of the past. Take all the time you need to heal. No rush. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to handle everything, for needing a break. You need to look after yourself, too. Self care is not selfish. Treat everyone like how you want to be treated. Take time off to dance around in your room to your favourite song. Make yourself some warm tea.

 

Some days and nights will be tougher than most. Sweetheart, always remember you got this.

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

 

Shot by J. Hng.

Writer : J. Hng.

Personally, I love this picture I took of you. The dimple, the smile…you were so happy in this picture. It has been a tough few days for you. The toughest, roughest and darkest days that you ever have to face, I stood watching you as everything within you fell apart and you could no longer pick yourself back up. You have completely given up on yourself. It hurts me and it is hurting everyone who cares for you deeply.

You fell apart at training and broke down. From the bleachers, I could physically feel your soul is so broken just by watching you cry on the field. The strongest, most beautiful girl who has the kindest, softest soul that saved my life ; lost the will to live in her. Merely surviving, you still bring yourself to work. 

I would do anything to trade places with you right now. I would rather I feel the amount of pain you’re going through than you doing it. It pains me as your  best friend to be this helpless. I could only be strong for you but within me , my heart hurts. You were begging me to make the pain go away and asked me when will it go. I do not have the answer. But when you do read this :

Win, I am here. We are all here. Let us in, please. Let me in at least. You pulled me out of depression and stopped me from committing suicide. Now, it is my turn to do it for you and that’s what friends do. Let me hold your trembling hands and let me pick you up. I will not tell you to let go and move on because I want you to take all the time you need to heal. Do it in your own time for it is not a competition. 

You have been there for all through my depression and talked me down from jumping off. You are worth it and my hands are ready to pull you back up. We will do it together. One step at a time. I don’t know what God has for you but just know that, you’re not alone. You don’t have to fight. Allow me to do it for you. I do not know how to make it better for you but together, we will do this.

 

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise.

I was a wreck when you came along
When there was nothing left
You showed me the best
I’m still a mess but you hold on
Don’t know just why you do
But I know I’m better with you