There comes a day where you’ll lose composure and that will be the day you’ll not know what to do. And, that is fine.
I once destroyed myself. I remembered the night where I stood in front of the mirror and I really couldn’t recognize myself anymore. That horrible night that I was so afraid of falling asleep. It was that night my breaths were like as if I was gasping for air. I began wondering what’s wrong with me. The following week after that night…God…it was just…hell, y’know? I remembered how hard it was telling myself not to break down in public. I remember running to my car and breaking down after that. It was as if my heart was so empty. The mechanism within me was severely broken. People underestimate pain and they take it so lightly. They tell you to move on and just forget about it like it’s something easy to do when it’s not.
But let me share something with you.
It’s okay to cry, to break down. It’s okay to feel insecure and to feel inadequate. There are days where I feel so incompetent and my insecurities takes control of me. It only makes you human. Having to feel your own heart breaking has got to be one of the most painful feeling you ever have to feel. Of course you can’t compare it to others. It’s not a competition on who lets it go and move on first. It’s not a competition to see who is hurt more. Never compare pain. People tend to wonder how I do it ; how I pull through. Honestly, there have been days where I lose all composure.
And you know what counts? The fact that after it all, you wipe your tears and you tell yourself “It’s okay”. That to me is bravery. Losing composure doesn’t mean it’s always bad. It just makes you take a step back and just take things slower. It’s hard because there’ll always be trigger points and it’ll be so exhausting. Losing composure is a scary thing because in within a split moment, you just lost it all and you’re on the floor crying.
It makes you real. Pick yourself up ; and breathe. Feel that heart of yours beating. Somehow, you will be okay.
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