Excerpt From A Book I’ll Never Publish (1)

Caulfield Park, Victoria. (Summer  of 2015)

|| I watched the psychiatrist trying to stop her from bleeding out. I watched her call for the nurses for help. I watched them taking the phone and calling. Her hands were over the body. I watched the body lying on the oak floor. She yelled at the nurses to hurry up. I watched the blood staining the oak floor. Moments before, she was falling through the doors of the clinic.

I watched the blood. The blood exiting a wound ; the cut of a broken heart. I watched the doctor applying pressure to the wound using the gauze. The suture kit laid wide open next to the doctor. I wondered what happened that made the girl take her life. I looked at her face. Her eyes were so tired. Her skin was sinking deep into her body ; obvious signs of loss of appetite for the past couple of days. She must be scared ; the girl.

She clenched the doctor’s lab coat sleeve with all her might. “I was just trying to make the pain stop,” she said softly to the doctor. “I think…it’s working. It hurts less now inside…” she continued. The doctor examined the deep cut. The girl must had it rough. I watched her break down into the doctor’s arms. The doctor held her as she rubbed her back.

I looked at the girl’s canvas bag. There was a bouquet of peonies and ranunculuses that she bought for herself with a birthday card saying ‘Happy Birthday to me’, signing the card with today’s date. 21 August, the card said. It was her birthday. Where were all her friends and family? I stopped myself from wondering if she had a boyfriend. Of course no guy would be crazy enough to stick by her side. I mean, who would love such a broken soul who has fallen so deep into the black hole of no return. That’s why she seek for professional help. Not exactly the place to go to but I applaud her for her bravery. To admit that she need help, to allow her fragile self be taken care by a doctor.

The doctor looked at the nurse and mouthed, “No pills. No medication. I know she got this.” She held the girl’s frail body. I wanted to go over to wish her but the thought of her trying to take her life on her own birthday made me stand still. She must have given so much to people around her that now, she no longer has love within her for herself. Her friends and family must have not known how much she’s going through. They did say that everyone’s going through their own war. Maybe this was her last straw. During the day, she must have been a pretty good actor to mask all of pain.

I watched her broke down and blaming herself. I watched the doctor hold her. I watched the tears soaking through the lab coat. Maybe people around her didn’t know how to handle her. Or maybe they didn’t know. Or maybe they did know but it was too late to save her. I watched her knowing that she’s probably having the toughest war of her life and that she didn’t know what to do anymore. Maybe it would be alright in the morning.

I watched me lay on that blood stained oak floor ; falling apart. ||

All visuals and words belong to Win W.™ unless stated otherwise. 

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