Have you ever just want to pack everything up and leave? No, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that you’re avoiding everything. You just want to leave. Need to leave, y’know? You painted the whole atlas on the large canvas and it’s just staring at you ; dying for you to explore. And it isn’t because you need a breather but you just need a clean slate. Go to a place where you know nothing about, learn the native language and you don’t have to worry about bumping into anyone. It’s just you ; literally finding yourself. I mean, sure…your friends are going to tell you that you got this and everyone wants to safeguard your heart but let’s be real here. Only you know what you want. Yes, you’re loved and you’re so blessed with everything.
But here you are, staring at your luggage bags and the passport in your hand. All you can think is how much you need to leave. Delete everything, pack your things, grab that one-way ticket leave and never look back. Don’t get me wrong by taking this the wrong way and think that you’re running away from your problems. It’s that you’ve been suffocating for a long that even with whatever survival skills that you have in you can’t somehow function properly. You need to leave without having the worry that demons are out for your flesh. You’ve just slammed onto the cold, hard basement of rock bottom and honestly, this is the worst you can go so what’s there to lose by leaving? Y’know, leave to a place that you’ve pressed the bright red ‘Restart’ button and do it all over again. To sew back all the shattered pieces and to be at peace with your inner monster. To calm your screaming thoughts and to be in serenity.
Because you don’t know how fucking difficult it is to not lose composure when you’re in public. You can tell me you understand how I feel but you’re not in my shoes to feel this. You don’t know how difficult it is to wake up every morning and to be terrified to face the day. What’s even worse, you don’t even know how horrifying it is to go to bed knowing that nightmares will haunt the living soul out of you. You don’t know how fucking difficult it is because even you yourself don’t even know what to do anymore. It’s like the cut is wide open and you can’t even stop the bleeding anymore. It isn’t just leaving anymore but closing the current book you’re reading and picking up a new one to read because the words in the current book are blurred lines to you now. Picking up a fresh new book from the shelf.
A fresh chapter one. A fresh start.