Someone once asked me, “What is it like losing your guy best friends?”
You really want to know what it’s like? Here, I’ll tell you. Initially it didn’t hit me because I replied it with “Okay” and just nodded my head slowly. Then when the news took its toll on me, without a doubt, I cried. Your heart feels the pain and damn, do you really feel the pain. You have friends and a boyfriend or girlfriend but it’s not the same.
Your mind is so tuned to them that they’re the first person you think about. When you’re happy or sad, you would automatically run to them first because that’s your first instinct like a child first instinct to find his/her mother when he/she is lost. You would want them to be the first person to know that you’re in a relationship. You would want them to be the first one to know that you’re heart is broken by some jerk. You would want them to be there when you’re in your huge graduation robe and to be in the front row of your wedding day. Then it strikes you right then and there that they’re dead and you can no longer run in that direction. Sure, you’ve got friends, a boyfriend or girlfriend and your family but it’s not the same at all.
When you stand on that starting block, waiting for the referee to press that button just before your swimming event, you would still glance at the crowd. Part of you still have your hopes that you would see a huge cardboard banner with your name on it and your best friends holding it up. It’s not just that. That dusty mixed tape in your glove compartment in your car will never be played again because you’ve got no one to sing it with when you play it on the radio. That one song that the radio plays? You’ll be singing it alone now. The one person that you want to share your feelings, moments that you’ve had with, stories and all that is just dead.
Every one out there is going to tell you to move on and let go but I’m going to tell you it’s easier said than done because they’ll tell you that you have to be strong. Unfortunately, they forget how difficult it is to be strong. When you break down and cry, in the midst of that..you just wish that you have someone to hold you tightly. It’s one of those ‘hugs’ that would make your tears stop flowing. You can’t have that now, can you? You have to pick yourself up. You can’t tell anyone about it because it’s really not the same anymore! You know you’re in a bad predicament when you’re reluctant to tell your friends about it and when you do, they stare at you with pity and disappointment. People will tell you that they’ll be here for you but are they really there when they themselves have their own things to deal with?
So if the next person who is going to ask me what it is like to lose my guy best friends, it is like losing yourself. You’ll find yourself driving to the cemetery and sitting in front of the marble gravestone. It is tough because things around you will somehow remind you of them and you would wish that they’ll still be here to meet the guy or girl you’re dating and be there for your birthdays and Christmas. You lose a part of yourself ; That part of you that died along with them and it will never be quite the same. But you have to remember that even though things will never be the same again, you still carry a part of them in your heart wherever you go and that very part that you carry…it’s what that is keep you so strong until this very day.