When someone asked me about my love life, my reply would always be : “It is what it is.” A vague answer, yes. I’ve gone to that point where it’s either it’s serious or it’s not worth my time. My heart’s been tired and exhausted ; wrecked emotionally if you want to put it. Call me a sad person or whatever but I know what I want and to me that’s what more important.
My heart’s been played so many times, I’ve built up walls around it just to not let my guard down because if I’m not going to protect it, who would? I don’t want to go back to that hell hole that I clawed my out. I don’t want to lose myself in tears or having to patch back my heart. I’m turning 21 this year and it’s 2015. So call me selfish but I know what I want. Yes, I find it hard to believe that there’s going to be someone out there who would love me for who I am and not just to get into my pants. I take actions really seriously because I’m one to see the effort that a guy puts in to show that he’ll be there for me.
After all, actions really do speak louder than words. It’s easier to craft it out in words than to show it. Call me selfish but I don’t want to put my heart into another emotional train ride which will cause it to be wrecked. I’m not one to expect perfect because I’m far beyond that. I’m flawed and flaws make us who we are. Everyone has a list of what they want when they get into a relationship. Love isn’t a competition where the other one has to live up your expectations or where one has to love more than the other. What I’ve learned from wearing my heart on my sleeve is that love comes so many definitions. Everyone defines ‘love’ differently and uniquely. I’m not going to deny that I don’t have my list where I go “He must be this” or “He must be that”. I’m also not going to lie but love scares me because the fact that you’re love that person is just a huge thing. I’m going to give him my heart to care for in hopes that he don’t break it.
So forgive me if I have my insecurities as high as sky scrappers. Forgive me if I get jealous or that I have my doubts. Forgive me if I find it hard for me to trust you. Forgive me if I take all these precautions. But I want what’s mine. Forgive me if I’m not going to be like all the girls you’ve dated. Forgive me that I get freak out because I’m falling for you and I don’t want to talk to you. Forgive me for my insecurities and thoughts can eat me up alive. Forgive me that sometimes you constantly be patient with me. I’m still learning and that learning curve is a slow process. Isn’t that love is about? Where it is more than just words.
So when I say “It is what it is”, it means it’s me..on this learning curve. And if there was one thing Grey’s Anatomy taught me was :
“It wouldn’t be love if it doesn’t terrifies you”.