Only human.

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You’re in that position where you’re crying so hard and you’re gasping for air to the point you’re heaving so desperately.

You realized how close you are to certain people but not your family. You don’t really tell your family anything. You never actually want to tell anyone anything because when they do actually care, it is too late. So you do what you do best. You keep quiet and your iPod becomes your best friend every where you go. You suffer in silence. Literally in silence to the point when your best friend looks right into your eyes and he/she just knows that you want to break down and cry so badly.

You’ve accepted whatever people say about you – a disappointment, an ugly person, a useless shithead and a horrible person – to the point you become really hard on yourself. You beat yourself up when you don’t achieve anything and you tend to overwork yourself. Sometimes you just put your fingertips on you wrist to fell your pulse; checking to see if your heart is really beating just to know you’re alive.

You wake up every morning and your one aim to achieve every day is to not cry and to be happy because happiness is your own responsibility. You thrive every day. Fighting your way through. The person who you actually want to talk to is dead and there’s nothing you can do but to save yourself. You know the same old procedure on how to deal with death and how to save yourself. Even though you’re barely sleeping from all the nightmares.

Now you have do it for yourself and not for anyone else. You have to be strong for yourself even if you want to cry so badly.  You have to be your own hero and focus on what you want and what you need to do. Pull yourself together and keep thriving on because no one is going to do it for you. You’re not really a bad person. Just a little broken and messed up. And in the midst of taking one step at a time.

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I can see her crying out, yeah
Is there anybody out there?
She's really counting on your love
Still struggling uphill
But you act like you don't care
Right now she could really use a shoulder
Hanging onto the edge til it's over.
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