Maybe it’s not that you’re sad. Maybe it’s just the saudade feeling. You find way ; all kinds, to just distract yourself from the feeling in hopes that it’ll finally go away. From swimming to singing your lungs out. What you never realize is that it’ll never leave you, no matter how hard to try to push it away or hide it. The person whom you loved once tore down the walls around you and told you it’s okay – that the outside of those walls isn’t really that bad. Until that person is gone, you find yourself building up that walls again. That’s the scary thing. The walls you build around yourself is where you feel comfortable.
You don’t want to go back to college because that means you’ll have to face people. All the questions, the bullshit and the lies. You’ve broken too many hearts. Rejected too many people. Another guy comes into your life and he decided to fall for you and you’re just standing there. You politely reject him but the real reason behind is because you see too many flaws in yourself. You’re in plain ; You’re not hurting but you’re just in pain – the numb kind of pain. That kind of pain where you can’t describe to anyone. There’s simply no words for it. Your inner self is so emotionally wrecked that when you’re driving, you find your tears streaming down your face.
It’s the kind of pain that you’ve been trying to suppress for the past weeks. You’re not sleeping properly and you’re tossing around. You get nightmares and all you can do is just break down in front of your best friend while he holds you and listening to you begging for all of it to stop. You don’t know how much longer you can hold on but all you can do is just plead for someone to take it all away. It’s the kind of pain that when you cry, you cry so hard that you find yourself shaking and gasping for air ; almost like drowning in your tears. It’s the kind of pain where you want to scream but your voice box is muted. It’s the kind of pain where you can physically feel it.
Then reality hits you. You’re alone. And you do what you do best. You go to another place for a while ; a temporary home – packing everything and leaving your phone behind. You watch all kind of love movies in hopes to build back your belief in a happy ending. You drink wine ; all kinds of wine. You sit in the shower while the warm water hits your back while pulling your knees close to your chest. You draw tattoos on yourself. You take photographs. You paint. You draw. You read. You write. You don’t know what you’re doing but you’re doing something that would make the pain hurt a little less.
“*reaches across the table and squeezes hand gently* Hey, I know it’s not going to mean anything but for what’s worth, I love you”
“*holds hand tightly* I mean it. Underneath the red, tired and exhausted eyes from crying and all the flaws. I know you can do it again. You’ll pick yourself up and fix yourself like you always do. It’s going to be tough but you’ll do it again and again. Because the strong 16 year old Winnie that I’ve always known is there buried inside. She’s just a little lost. I love you, okay? Always. Give it time. Don’t give up on yourself.”