Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in anywhere? Not even at home?
I mean don’t get me wrong. I have a family that loves me but sometimes I feel like no one really understands me. Yes I love my siblings but they’re more closer to each other than me because I like different music, I don’t play the same computer game as them and I don’t get grades like they do. I dread to go for family functions because they all will stare at me.
Sure no one knows but I do feel it. Like am I that stupid until you have to change your tone or look at me like that? Must everyone prove their worth to you by being smart? My mom says she understands me but sometimes I look at all the things I don’t tell her. If someone out there actually kept a record of how many things I hide when I come home, it’s a pretty long list.
Today,a student of mine told me to “shut up” and in that moment, I didn’t even yell at him. I just told him to go home because it pretty much hurts when someone doesn’t even give you slight respect. It’s like when people asks me why I’m so lonely when I go shopping by myself. To be honest, I don’t feel lonely. I’ve adapted it. Why can’t anyone just understand when I get mad is because I have a reason? Either you’re a nuisance, an annoyance or somewhat irritating.
Maybe I’m just mad at myself ; which I hate the most. Every morning I stare at my mirror and I try not to hate myself. “Winnie you’ll never be smart” “You’re fat” “You’re ugly” “You have a temper problem” “Oh now you’re emo cause you’re so quiet” etc. I don’t know what to do anymore but so far for the past couple of months, I break down a little less now. There are so many times I just want to break down because I’m not just sad, I feel so mad that I’m even mad at myself that I end up just blaming me for everything.
Humans are really hypocrites and it just gives me all the reason why I don’t tell people much about me. I don’t tell them that I’m in a relationship because they’ll judge. I try to love myself more but truthfully, it’s hard. It’s so hard because we’re living in a world where everyone thinks he/she has the right to judge,insult,criticize, gossip about you. A teacher once told me that the mouth is the most powerful weapon but I think the most power weapon is the mind.